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"Super Monkey" Security Force Used At Commonwealth Games 66

Posted by samzenpus
from the fight-monkeys-with-monkeys dept.
The New Delhi Municipal Council (NDMC) has increased the strength of its monkey security team for the Commonwelath Games. The large langur monkeys are used to scare away smaller, more troublesome primate species from sporting arenas and food stalls. "From tomorrow onwards we will increase the number of langurs from 28 to 38. The additional langurs will take care of the Games venues and other important areas," an NDMC official told the Press Trust of India news agency. Sounds like a good idea until the monkeys learn how to throw barrels.
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"Super Monkey" Security Force Used At Commonwealth Games

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  • by Dr_Terminus (1222504) on Wednesday September 29, 2010 @11:54AM (#33735280)

    New Dehli increases its security snake force to scare away smaller, more troublesome serpent species. Fifty new pythons have been added to the Serpent Sporting Stall Security Services (SSSSS).

    • by M8e (1008767)

      We just upgraded to super snakes, these does some safety work too!

      Super Serpent Sporting Stall Special Security/Safety Services (SSSSSSSS)

      • Come on. It's a new Olympic event. Dodge the barrels while climbing the stairs at the entrance of the venue that your real event is in.

  • by Sonny Yatsen (603655) * on Wednesday September 29, 2010 @11:54AM (#33735286) Journal

    Is anyone else disappointed when they read the article and realized that there aren't any "Super Monkeys", just langur monkeys (which are still cool, because they're still monkeys)? I was hoping for some sort of Monkey Super-Soldier project on the part of the New Delhi Municipal Council.

  • Jesus, I can see this appearing on Ricky Gervais' Monkey News podcast next year...

    • by Threni (635302)

      It would certainly be a lot funnier than anything that greasy fat fuck would ever come up with.

  • If they do learn to throw barrels at least we know the solution to that problem: hire some Italian plumbers.
  • swallowed a fly. Just wondering what scares away large langur monkeys?
    • We got the technology. The bankers got our money, we shoot the bankers and then we CAN do it! We can make a 6 million dollar Langur Monkey!

      Who is with me gentlemen?

    • by Locke2005 (849178)
      That's the beauty of the scheme; when the winter comes, the langur monkeys all freeze to death... unless they can figure out some way to get inside the buildings...
  • Defending against monkeys using other monkeys is not security. It's animal control; i.e. safety.

    Security means separating authorized humans from unauthorized humans.

    Could the monkey distinguish a human being who is authorized to be somewhere from one who is not?

    Could it verify someone's identity, validate an ID badge, look up a name in a list of names, check tickets, etc?

    If not, that monkey is not a security officer in any reasonable sense of the word.

    • by God'sDuck (837829) on Wednesday September 29, 2010 @12:10PM (#33735514)

      Could the monkey distinguish a human being who is authorized to be somewhere from one who is not?

      More importantly, could a monkey insure that all of a human being's gels are in a quart-sized plastic bag?

    • by magarity (164372)

      Defending against monkeys using other monkeys is not security
       
      Dude, rtfa... the deputy mayor was assassinated by a monkey gang not long ago. If that doesn't call for security, nothing does!

    • by john83 (923470)
      Except in American airports.
    • by geekoid (135745)

      False. What you describe is some specific tasks that can be party of some security measures.

      Animal control is a type of security. Securing people from the dangerous animals, for one.

      Separating people from a danger is also a form of security.

      I suggest you find some sort of massively connected networks and use some sort of engine to search to for the definition of security.

    • by couchslug (175151) on Wednesday September 29, 2010 @12:38PM (#33735972)

      "If not, that monkey is not a security officer in any reasonable sense of the word."

      The TSA uniform sure fooled me!

    • Isn't it just a matter of scale? Monkey security agents just have it easier. Authorized monkeys, only the monkey security agents and humans, of course. Unauthorized monkeys all other monkeys. Think of human security agents as secondary screening.
  • super robot monkey team hyperforce go...
    I can hear them chanting it from the far future :S

  • When winter rolls around, they all freeze to death

  • Are they trained to make vehicle stops using the Banana In The Tail Pipe Trick?

  • monkey uprising (Score:4, Insightful)

    by slshwtw (1903272) on Wednesday September 29, 2010 @12:08PM (#33735480)
    The article ends suddenly with "In 2007, the deputy mayor of New Delhi died from a fall after being attacked by a group on the terrace of his home." I had to make the assumption (and then track down the article) that it meant "a group of monkeys" [bbc.co.uk].

    I love how their solution to the monkeys is "to train bands of larger, more ferocious monkeys". WHATCOULDPOSSIBLYGOWRONG?
    • Re: (Score:2, Funny)

      by krnpimpsta (906084)

      I love how their solution to the monkeys is "to train bands of larger, more ferocious monkeys". WHATCOULDPOSSIBLYGOWRONG?

      Well, eventually they will escalate from stronger monkeys to gorillas. And that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

    • by infinite9 (319274)

      It's ok. The larger monkeys will freeze to death when winter arrives.

      • by Sulphur (1548251)

        It's ok. The larger monkeys will freeze to death when winter arrives.

        Unless they find a hot spring like their Ninja cousins.

        --

        Forget primitive, go primative.

    • What could go wrong is that some misinformed slashdotter might ridicule them.

      They have been used to scare away monkeys since hundred of years, but may be they were planning for commonwealth games all along!

  • Fuck them throwing barrels, let's give the pricks shots, tie a flag to their back put them in the shot put and and see if we can get a medal out of them....

  • Skinner: Well, I was wrong; the lizards are a godsend.
    Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
    Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
    Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse?
    Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla thrives on snake meat.
    Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas!
    Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the go

    • by Cwix (1671282)

      Wouldnt a cold blooded animal like a lizard or a snake freeze to death before a warm blooded one like a gorilla?

      • Some reptiles hibernate during the winter (Diamondback Rattlesnakes) while only 1 primate (Female Fat-tailed Dwarf Lemur) hibernates. If we are talking about temperate zones, I would think a reptile has a better chance of surviving a winter. Although, I guess it would depend on the actual species of Gorilla and/or reptile.

  • Monkey doing simple tasks. then the plague comes that kills all the dogs and cats. Then epople get monkeyies as pets, then train them to be servants, then they rise up with one Word:
    "NO!"

  • I'd prefer not to have monkeys throwing poop while I'm getting tasty treats from concessions.
  • Will those enforcement monkeys be wearing badges? Or do they just work for peanuts?
  • Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death. Truly this is the beginning of the end... Damn Dirty Apes
  • Forget about the story. Next time could we please be warned that we're about to click on a link to the Temple of Doom?
  • they'll take care of the Needle Snakes!
  • Woot! capes.

    Especially if they're flying, screaming guard monkeys.

  • The moral of this story is that even if you live in India, your job can always be outsourced to a barely-trained monkey.

I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.

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