Hi-Tech Nativity Security 110
To combat vandalism and theft of their holiday displays, many churches and cities are turning to a technological answer. After one of their cows was stolen, St. Marks Episcopal Church in Glen Ellyn, Ill. installed GPS devices in the figurines of its nativity scene. This year the village of Wellington, Fla. added security cameras to protect their display. From the article: "BrickHouse Security in New York City offered churches and synagogues free GPS and cameras to protect their displays this season. Seventy have signed up so far. About 24 of them are also installing security cameras. In Merrick, N.Y., the Chabad Center for Jewish Life is putting GPS in its 8-foot menorah on display in a park."
Ok, So the GPS prevents baby Jesus from theft... (Score:5, Funny)
But what prevents would-be vandals from serrupticiously "Laying down" the 3 wise men in the snow, covering them up, and then placing a motion activated dancing santa with a strap on, and two yard gnomes in their place?
(Bonus, "replace" Joseph with a white lawn jockey. [gotta be PC, afterall.])
I suppose the camera would be a deturrant, but the enterprising geek could still deploy a portable EMI/EMP generator from the back of the panel van they use to perform the vandalism with. (You can get plans on the internet.)
Other amusing vandalism ideas (non-inclusive):
Put obviously fake dynamite bandoliers on all the male nativity characters. (Bonus if you put a burkha robe on Mary)
Put a fake beard on Mary. (A santa beard is acceptable, but a dark black one is better due to increased visibility)
Put suet balls in strategic locations so the indemic pidgeon population does the defacement for you
Make an FSM snowman that totally obstructs the view of the nativity scene from the road.
Put pink flamingos in the scene, then put brightly colored hawaiian shirts and hoola skirts on everyone.
Wrap all the nativity figures up in toilet paper like mummies
Load an electric paint sprayer with water and green food coloring; Spray "We accept cash and credit", "Salvation at LOW LOW PRICES!" on the snow of the church's lawn
etc, etc.
Stealing the nativity characters is boring in comparison to the many MANY different ways you could fuck with a church this time of year!
This could happen... (Score:3, Funny)
"What do you mean he's not in there? The GPS tracker clearly shows Jesus should be inside the tomb."