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Can't Get a Real Girlfriend? Get a "Cloud" Girlfriend 250

Posted by samzenpus
from the 1.0-is-the-lonliest-number dept.
An anonymous reader writes "In news that could make many lonely tech savvy men have more of a spring in their steps is the launch of 'Cloud Girlfriend' which is a start up tech company based in California whose service is to match a user to his perfect match. The sad part is the relationship will only be internet based. Reported by Sara Yin of PC Mag, 'Cloud Girlfriend' will be free as David Fuhriman co-founder is quoted with saying 'We allow people to define their ideal self, find their perfect girlfriend or boyfriend and connect and interact as if that person existed. We will fulfill the 4 steps on the landing page, but not create any fake accounts.'"
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Can't Get a Real Girlfriend? Get a "Cloud" Girlfriend

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  • Mockery (Score:5, Funny)

    by Sonny Yatsen (603655) * on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @09:49AM (#35807876) Journal

    Well, as atrociously bad as I am at dating, it's always nice to know that there will always be somebody sadder and more pathetic than you.

    • Yes, I think this is the saddest thing ever. I don't even dare RTFA. TFS is already more than I can stand.
      • Yes, I think this is the saddest thing ever. I don't even dare RTFA. TFS is already more than I can stand.

        Well, then don't read this one [wsj.com]. Not goatse or anything similar but creepy in that unique Japanese way of introducing tentacles into everything.

    • by msobkow (48369)

      If all you want is someone to chat with, there's no shortage of websites where you can hook up with people for that purpose.

      Chatting with a bot and pretending it's your girlfriend has got to be the saddest case of self-delusion I've ever heard of.

      • Re:Mockery (Score:5, Funny)

        by maxwell demon (590494) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @11:10AM (#35809026) Journal

        Chatting with a bot and pretending it's your girlfriend has got to be the saddest case of self-delusion I've ever heard of.

        What about chatting with your girlfriend and pretending it's a bot? :-)

        • Chatting with a bot and pretending it's your girlfriend has got to be the saddest case of self-delusion I've ever heard of.

          What about chatting with your girlfriend and pretending it's a bot? :-)

          Well played...

        • Re: (Score:3, Interesting)

          by El Torico (732160)

          Chatting with a bot and pretending it's your girlfriend has got to be the saddest case of self-delusion I've ever heard of.

          What about chatting with your girlfriend and pretending it's a bot? :-)

          That would have kept me interested in some of the women I've dated. A shallow, self absorbed bitch is a lot more interesting when you think of her as a Turing test.

    • by Lumpy (12016)

      How can you be that bad... do you upon the first date ask her to pop pimples on your back? "Great sushi! can you lance this boil for me?"

      and honestly, if you are that type of person, there are fetish circles that do have women that get off on that kind of thing. Sounds like you are searching for a mate in the wrong places.

  • Hmm... (Score:3, Funny)

    by Lunaritian (2018246) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @09:54AM (#35807936)
    I wonder if I can confuse it by saying that my perfect girlfriend would be real and not just bits on a server far away.
    • by elrous0 (869638) *

      I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that the only people who will get fucked thanks to this "service" are the morons stupid enough to invest in it.

    • You can always turn a virtual girlfriend into a real one. But it involves lots of electricity ans wearing a bra on your head.
  • Right. My prediction is that this will have to be a chat-bot, since real women are extremely unlikely to be on this system. It's like those lava-life phone chat systems. No one is on them except for other guys looking around for the ladies and not finding any.

    • Re:Eliza ? (Score:5, Funny)

      by 0100010001010011 (652467) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @10:02AM (#35808062)

      The internet. Where Men are Men.
      And the Women are Too.

    • by slim (1652)

      Based on TFA, they'll be employing real people to put words in the mouths of virtual women. Presumably because they've not got a chat-bot that's convincing enough.

      So it's:
      1. Dork tells you properties of the pretend woman he wants
      2. Facebook profile created for pretend woman (somehow avoiding violating Facebook TOS)
      3. Pretend woman becomes a Facebook "friend" of dork
      4. Employee, in persona of pretend woman, posts some girlfriend-ish stuff on dork's Facebook wall etc.
      5. ????
      6. Profit

      (Where ???? presumably ent

      • Based on TFA, they'll be employing real people to put words in the mouths of virtual women.

        Perhaps, but they may not be real women.

        • by slim (1652)

          :)

          I did type "real women", then backspaced and replaced it with "people".

        • Hiring women is generally cheaper, so they might actually be women. This could be a nice part-time work from home gig for some hausfrau.

      • Based on TFA, they'll be employing real people to put words in the mouths of virtual women. Presumably because they've not got a chat-bot that's convincing enough.

        So it's:
        1. Dork tells you properties of the pretend woman he wants
        2. Facebook profile created for pretend woman (somehow avoiding violating Facebook TOS)
        3. Pretend woman becomes a Facebook "friend" of dork
        4. Employee, in persona of pretend woman, posts some girlfriend-ish stuff on dork's Facebook wall etc.

        (Where ???? presumably entails some targeted advertising etc.)

        The good news is that if you break up with "her", "she" won't steal any of your meat space possessions.

        The bad new is that "she" can make you look like a totally pathetic ass online.

        • by Surt (22457)

          I think the key to the service would be anonymity. That your real friends wouldn't know your girlfriend was fake. That potential real girlfriends, who inevitably rate a taken man higher than a single one, may be duped into believing you are in a real relationship.

      • Based on TFA, they'll be employing real people to put words in the mouths of virtual women. Presumably because they've not got a chat-bot that's convincing enough.

        No, it's because even a chat-bot has too much self respect to date a geek.

      • by jd (1658)

        They say they won't create any fake accounts. So presumably they've already created them. In which case, you can skip step 2.

    • by Lumpy (12016)

      REal women have no problem talking dirty to fat gross men on the phone... If they are paid, they will be happy to do the far less "ooky" girlfriend you will never see meet or touch thing.

    • by asdf7890 (1518587)
      Nah, it'll be like some club nights and those dating lines you see advertised between programs on late-night TV: ABSOLUTELY FREE* (* free for women, some £ per minute for others) only in this case the desired people (those pretending to be the cloud friend in this case, real life women in my examples) will be paid a little and the money is planned to be made back (with profit) from the others, perhaps through targeted advertising.

      It sounds particularly hateful to me, however it is planned to work.
  • by the_raptor (652941) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @09:56AM (#35807978)

    I give it a year until someone commits suicide because his "cloud" girlfriend broke up with him.

    • by Dr. Spork (142693)
      I was thinking that there will be the geek whose cloud girlfriend will totally cockblock him when a real girl loses interest in him because he appears taken. Or worse, he does start dating a great girl he likes, and then gets the dreaded "OK, who the fuck is Ashley Moore and why is she blowing you kisses on your fucking wall?"
  • by hellfire (86129) <(deviladv) (at) (gmail.com)> on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @09:56AM (#35807980) Homepage

    All they need now is a blow job attachment via USB to your computer, and they will end up making beeeellllioooons!

    • Not realistic enough... When asked for a BJ, the response should be "I'm tired", "I have a headache" or "Right now? I'm watching ."
      • you have the wrong firmware installed, I suggest you upgraded it to submissive woman 36.D. Then you will have response like "only a BJ, you are a kind master" or
        "you are so generous master, I will do the laundry after I swallow".

    • by blair1q (305137)

      I thought of that a decade ago, but refuse to put my real name on the patent application.

  • Orgy (Score:2, Funny)

    by mholve (1101)

    "Can you imagine a Beowulf cluster of these?"

  • Any "relationship" that doesn't include at least the possibility of getting a blowjob is no relationship at all. And the fact that they think there is any market for this service is really, really sad.
    • by BarryJacobsen (526926) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @10:02AM (#35808066) Homepage

      Any "relationship" that doesn't include at least the possibility of getting a blowjob is no relationship at all.

      I think you'd have some lesbians that would argue that's not true...

      • by corbettw (214229)

        You do realize that "blowjob" can be a generic term for any kind of oral sex, right?

        • You do realize that "blowjob" can be a generic term for any kind of oral sex, right?

          I've never once heard anyone use the term for anything other than a male receiving oral sex. The dictionary definition says it's an act of "fellatio" which is defined as oral stimulation of the penis.

          • by Aighearach (97333)

            To people under about 40 on the west coast of the United States I assure you that even "penis" can refer also to the clitoris. Some regions it is probably more of an under 30 thing.

            Never rely solely on a dictionary for slang usage of terms. Nor should any sexual language be assumed or expected to be free of slang or new language.

            If you didn't know this, I'll warn you... it's gets worse. Chicks can be "dudes" now, too.

    • by Nidi62 (1525137) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @10:06AM (#35808126)

      Any "relationship" that doesn't include at least the possibility of getting a blowjob is no relationship at all.

      So, marriage doesn't count as a real relationship?

    • You're either extremely frustrated or spoiled rotten.
  • the app has no intention of using fake Facebook profiles. Instead, a real woman will communicate with you through your cloud girlfriend's profile

    Even if users know that the cloud profile is a fake I'm willing to bet that if there's real women behind the profiles (and people will know this given that's what the CEO has just said) someone is gonna end up getting taken in and their bank account drained. Which is kinda sad. In fact the very notion of this "service" making anyone happy astounds me.

  • What exactly is the business model for this? Are they compiling address lists of sad, pathetic losers? People that might actually reply to a "Herbal V14GR4" spam? Or is this the DoJ fishing for people who describe their perfect girlfriend as "16, but with the body of a 12 year old"?
    • by Sonny Yatsen (603655) * on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @10:04AM (#35808086) Journal

      It's really easy to monetize this. Just make microtransactions available where you can buy gifts or whatever for your virtual girlfriend. People already spend stupid amounts of money to buy crap like a virtual fountain for their virtual house on their virtual farm. Imagine if they also had some sort of virtual emotional attachment to go along with it.

    • by jd (1658)

      Wasn't there an e-mail list company that got hacked recently? If their database flagged sad, pathetic losers then there's your answer.

    • by Aighearach (97333)

      Hopefully they can manage both roles!

      No reason to dump the ads into spam, you've already got their willing eyeballs. They could even be tasteful text "Herbal V14GR4" ads.

  • by starglider29a (719559) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @10:07AM (#35808138)
    "So is MINE! The two-timing $|^+!"
  • by Anonymous Coward

    I would just stick with porn.

    • by slim (1652)

      It's not addressing the same perceived need as porn.

      Friends, wives, girlfriends, mistresses, strippers, prostitutes, porn -- some people avail themselves of all, some, or none of them, in every possible combination, because none of them are 1:1 replacements for another.

      (This post does not imply approval or disapproval of any of the above)

  • by Krneki (1192201)
    If I don't want to sex with a girl I call her "friend" not "cloud girl".
  • self gratification (Score:5, Insightful)

    by fermion (181285) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @10:16AM (#35808260) Homepage Journal
    In one of the books I read as a young person, self gratification was depreciated as a viable form of expression because if overused it could prevent the development of reasonable normal form of social interaction. It is important for most people to go and learn to play, communicate, get rejected, make compromises, and actually have real friends and lovers, at least for portions of their lives.

    So my issue with this is it is another step in the isolationism that really is not healthy. While some might say this is good as one can go to parties and text and receive texts from your long distance relationship, so not to be embarrassed. Some people might find you more attractive because you are in a relationship, but at some point the truth will emerge. That users of this service are losers who can't participate in a valid relationship. And dating is not expensive. Hiring prostitutes is expensive. Looking for people who meet pre existiing expectations is expensive. But dating is just going out and having fun. Not Expensvie.

    • Some people might find you more attractive because you are in a relationship, but at some point the truth will emerge.

      Maybe after you've had sex with the girl a few steps out of your league.

      But dating is just going out and having fun. Not Expensvie.

      If you are male you are still expected to pay.

      • by slim (1652)

        If you are male you are still expected to pay.

        Maybe so where you live / with the girls you date.

        Here in the UK, in my recent experience -- we're talking mostly middle-class women in their early-mid 30s -- they all expected to split the cost.

        Insofar as there's a protocol, it seems to be:
        - man offers to pay, woman protests that it should be split, man graciously accepts
        - or, man pays in first instance, woman says she'll pay for the next drink / dessert / whatever, man graciously accepts

    • by Dhalka226 (559740)

      Well you're right, but I think there's a bit of a cause-and-effect issue with what you're saying.

      This sort of service--which I PERSONALLY think is silly, by the way--does not cause people to become lonely and isolated, incapable of participating in a valid relationship. People are likely to turn to this service because they are already that way, and are trying to satisfy their human needs for socializing that they aren't able to satisfy normally.

      Now obviously, most people will agree but say to that "al

  • by NoSleepDemon (1521253) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @10:17AM (#35808272)
    I can almost picture the Win7 advert... It's that loser from the old ad still sitting outside of his dorm room while his room-mate is banging a random girl. He's sitting there, all done watching whatever hentai he downloaded, and then... Eureka! "To The Cloud!" He shouts, as he loads up Habbo Hotel.
  • Looking back at my past experience I have never had trouble finding interesting women to chat with. It isn't a problem as far as I can see. However finding a physical partner to live life with and all the fun stuff that comes with that can be, well at least if you are shy.

  • Having actually met a couple girls online (though both led to relationships in real life, one 6 year girlfriend, and one being my wife who I have been with for 8 years), I can't comprehend WHY this would seem enjoyable for anyone. Looks like all of the downsides of a "relationship" without ANY benefits. Finding people on the internet is a viable (though equally precarious) alternative to a bar or being setup with friends (depending on your friends) but finding pretend people on the internet... the mi
    • by slim (1652)

      I can't comprehend WHY this would seem enjoyable for anyone.

      Well, people seem to enjoy maintaining a virtual farm -- so why not a virtual girlfriend?

      We don't really know what the service will entail -- to what extent it really purports to be a substitute for a real girlfriend; to what extent it disguises the fact that it's not a real person; to what extent it's presented as just a fun game.

      There's a worst case scenario -- but I'd be surprised if that's what it is.

    • by dwye (1127395)

      > I can't comprehend WHY this would seem enjoyable for anyone.

      The only reason that I can see is that you can make all the pathetically stupid, awful mistakes that the more socially inclined made in Junior High or even grade school, and get them out of your system. Do too bad at dealing with girl#1, and just redo one's profile and try again, assuming that one cannot reset the memory of CloudGirl and start HER from scratch. That way, one can get to the point where one can at least text/chat/IM/etc. socia

      • > I can't comprehend WHY this would seem enjoyable for anyone.

        The only reason that I can see is that you can make all the pathetically stupid, awful mistakes that the more socially inclined made in Junior High or even grade school, and get them out of your system. Do too bad at dealing with girl#1, and just redo one's profile and try again, assuming that one cannot reset the memory of CloudGirl and start HER from scratch. That way, one can get to the point where one can at least text/chat/IM/etc. socially, well enough to consider an online relationship. And THAT seems a stretch.

        There's a massive difference between voice chat and text chat. One is real-time, the other is delayed, even if by seconds, giving the more socially awkward time to compose and organize thoughts.

        I have no problem chatting or posting online, but do when chatting in person or even on the phone (with friends, never mind on a date). Phone, you have to listen for the nuances, pick up on the mood, adjust your own voice, keep engaged in a particular topic (not easy if you have some ADD), etc. In person, you have al

  • There've been online "chat" site forever, where you go chat with some girl or guy who says what you want to hear and pretends to be your fantasy lover, and you're never going to meet them in real life.

    The only thing new here is that they'll setup a facebook page so you can eventually be humiliated when all your friends and relatives realize the 'girl' you've been 'seeing' online is completely fake and you made her up.

    That'll really boost the old self-esteem.

  • by wcrowe (94389) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @10:49AM (#35808764)

    "Your facebook friends will not know the difference". Right. So, this is for very stupid tech-savvy men.

    • by blair1q (305137)

      Yes, those who think they have to pay to crib a .jpg and make up a backstory...

      • by slim (1652)

        TFA says it's free (although I expect micropayments come in).

        TFA says "your facebook friends won't know the different" in the author's voice, not in a quote from the guy. I'm not sure it will pretend so thoroughly; you'd have to be a complete weirdo to want to deceive all your friends into thinking this virtual girlfriend was real. Surely this business wants to appeal to a wider market than just weirdos?

        • by blair1q (305137)

          Insurance scammers. One day, the "girlfriend" dies of Epstein-Barr Syndrome, and the perp collects on a fat double-indemnity clause.

    • by Darinbob (1142669)

      If only I had facebook friends. Wonder if my cloud girlfriend will like slashdot?

  • So like cloud computing, a cloud girlfriend would let you access a shared pool of girlfriends for a fee. This model already exists, but is illegal in 49 states.

    • by drinkypoo (153816)

      It's only illegal if you're paying. I thought we already had a short name for a "cloud girlfriend" (one accessed by multiple users on a time-sharing basis) which has been appropriated from a word formerly meaning "young working girl".

    • by Darinbob (1142669)

      Unless you're filming it.

  • I should have known that it wouldn't be long before someone found a way to monitize the Forever Alone crowd. Fat neckbeards all over the world may now rejoice and cheer from the depths of their stepmother's basements.
    *facepalm*
  • What happens when all these clients realize that their girlfriends all reside on a few ESX servers or Beowulf clusters? If a human can suffer MPD, then so do these machines. I'd fear being brought to justice for partaking in an online polygamy circle, especially once they legalize human-robot relationships. The transition from the cloud to a physical robot will not be fast enough. And what's to say all those robots won't be operated by the same cloud system?
  • Perhaps I've played too much Final Fantasy, but when I first read that headline my first thought was of the "minigame" involving infiltrating Don Corneo's villa to rescue Tifa fairly early in the game.

  • by CFBMoo1 (157453) on Wednesday April 13, 2011 @12:41PM (#35810218) Homepage
    My perfect girl friend has/is...

    * Lots of curves.
    * Smart and able to help me when I make mistakes.
    * Always there when I want to do something.
    * Always there when I don't want to do something.
    * A pretty smile.
    * Good at helping me with problems.

    *** PROCESSING ***
    > Please log in to Facebook now to meet your new girlfriend!

    *Opens Browser and logs in*

    *Whirrrrrlllll TINK TINK TINK*

    From Clippy'etta: Hello handsome! It looks like you are trying to find a girlfriend today!

    From Me: NooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOO!

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