Fetus Don't Fail Me Now: How Scientists Raise Children 233
An anonymous reader writes "In the latest column from scientist, humor columnist, and stand-up comedian Adam Ruben, he examines his own umbilicus and considers how being a scientist will affect his approach to raising his only slightly post-fetal child. From the article: 'I don't know how other prospective fathers treat their wives' pregnancies, but I saw it as a science project. It had a protocol, parameters, a timeline, and even the one item that makes funding agencies happy: a deliverable. I found myself poking at my wife's abdomen, asking, "Who's Daddy's little gestating blastocyst? Who's recapitulating phylogeny?"'"
Sometimes not at all. (Score:5, Funny)
Data show that having children decreases happiness. They also eat a lot of your time (which could be better spent doing science) and they're extremely expensive (scientists don't get paid that much). Knowing this, why would anyone who respects data have children?
If you ever have children, don't make my mistakes. (Score:5, Funny)
1) You never bug a pregnant, hormonal woman. EVER.
2) You never refer to fetus as a blastocyst, parasite, or nickname him "blobby"
3) The only acceptable response is "Yes dear, no dear, I will rub your feet right away dear".
4) Never tell her that stretch marks are camoflauge to help her hide in the tall grass to escape predators.
5) In the later stages of pregnancy, when she is immoble, that is not an opportunity to dutch oven or teabag her.
6) Never refer to pregnant sex as "intercourse and a handjob all in one", otherwise you will not get intercourse OR a handjob.
Learn from my mistakes young nerdlings. Oh, and if you'er wondering, I'm still married. Why, I know not.
I want twins. (Score:5, Funny)
I tell my girlfriend that I want twins, that way I can name one "Control". With Triplets you'd even be able to do 2 different studies.
Re:Divorced in (Score:5, Funny)
2. Submit it to slashdot
3. ???
4. SLASHDOTTED!!!
5. Wife can't read blog, no divorce, no child support payments, profit.
Re:Sometimes not at all. (Score:5, Funny)
Catastrophic failure of personal protective equipment. ("Wow, this feels really great all of a sudden!")
Inconsistent test methodology. ("Hmm, I feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh well, it'll come to me.")
Manufacturing defects discovered in product testing. ("You are? That's... amazing. Truly.")
Unscheduled discharge during preliminary phase of operation. ("Oh shit.")