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Holy iPad Slayer! Company Releases World's First Christian Tablet 326

Posted by Soulskill
from the no-one-comes-to-the-app-store-except-through-me dept.
Velcroman1 writes "Steve Jobs worshippers need not apply. But if you're looking to get in God's good graces, or you're simply in the market for a family-friendly tablet, you may want to check out Family Christian's Edifi. Billed as the world's first Christian tablet, its genesis came with the inevitable intersection of technology and religion, according to Brian Honorable, a technology supervisor at Family Christian, the group that sells the tablet. 'We wanted to be able to offer our customers the ability to use our Holy Bible application, which has 27 different English translations of the Bible,' Honorable said."
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Holy iPad Slayer! Company Releases World's First Christian Tablet

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  • by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @04:53PM (#40621113)

    Pretty sure Moses did it first!

  • There's an app for that...
  • by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @04:55PM (#40621149)

    Or do all 10 commandments fit on to one tablet this time?

    • by sentientbeing (688713) on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @05:01PM (#40621265)
      Commandments last updated: 6000 B.C. Your commandments are out of date [refresh][cancel]
      • by rickb928 (945187)

        You can hit the refresh button all you want, but the code doesn't change just cause you want to reboot.

      • by Anonymous Coward on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @05:26PM (#40621741)

        Good one. But an utter failure on the date...

        Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt in the spring of 1513 B.C.E. on Nisan 14 (the first full moon after the spring equinox). They took a meandering path, and crossed the Red Sea. That took them about 3 weeks. Then they all encamped at Mt. Sinai about 3 months later. It took around a week for Moses to reach the place where God gave him the tablets (with the 10 commandments), and another 40 days passed before the full law had been expounded to Moses. At this point, the Israelites and ex-Egyptians that were encamped at the base of the mountain were in full-on revolt, worshiping a calf idol. God alerted Moses to this, and Moses headed back to the camp (another 1-week journey). Moses then smashed the tablets God had given him and set about disciplining the people for their idolatry. The discipline took a few days to "work out", since he had the golden calf ground to powder and mixed into the water supply. (Result: Gold flecked poop!) Moses then returned to the mountain (another 1-week journey), re-chiseled the tablets himself (that'll teach him to control his temper... or not), finished learning the rest of the law (time not specified), and went back to camp again (1 week again). Then the people were assembled, the law was read to them, and they all agreed to be bound by it.

        So... 21 days (pre-Red Sea) + 90 days (3 averaged months) + 7 days (travel time) + 40 days (learning law) + 7 days (travel) + 3 days (gold poop!) + 7 days (travel) + unspecified time (more learning of the law) + 7 days (travel) + unspecified time (assembly) = 182 days + two unspecifed periods. I'd estimate the law was reiterated for a further 40 days, so that brings us to 222 days + assembly time. The assembly probably took about a week. Remember, there were 3 million people in that camp, so the reading would have to be relayed by callers, and then the response would be by the assembly. That's a logistical nightmare. I'll estimate about 60 days for this (remember, it took 40 days for Moses to receive it one-on-one from God in the first place). So it took 282 days (estimated) to deal with all of that. 282 days is just over 10 months, which brings us to around January-February of 1512 B.C.E.

        1512 B.C.E. through 1 B.C.E. = 1512 years
        1 C.E. through 2012 C.E. = 2012 years
        1512 + 2012 = 3524 years.

        Then add the 6 months from January to July.

        That's still pretty far out of date.

        • by PopeRatzo (965947)

          Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt in the spring of 1513 B.C.E. on Nisan 14 (the first full moon after the spring equinox). They took a meandering path, and crossed the Red Sea. That took them about 3 weeks. Then they all encamped at Mt. Sinai about 3 months later. It took around a week for Moses to reach the place where God gave him the tablets (with the 10 commandments), and another 40 days passed before the full law had been expounded to Moses. At this point, the Israelites and ex-Egyptians that were

        • by PopeRatzo (965947) on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @07:32PM (#40623221) Homepage Journal

          Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt in the spring of 1513 B.C.E. on Nisan 14 (the first full moon after the spring equinox). They took a meandering path, and crossed the Red Sea. That took them about 3 weeks. Then they all encamped at Mt. Sinai about 3 months later. It took around a week for Moses to reach the place where God gave him the tablets (with the 10 commandments), and another 40 days passed before the full law had been expounded to Moses. At this point, the Israelites and ex-Egyptians that were encamped at the base of the mountain were in full-on revolt, worshiping a calf idol. God alerted Moses to this, and Moses headed back to the camp (another 1-week journey). Moses then smashed the tablets God had given him and set about disciplining the people for their idolatry. The discipline took a few days to "work out", since he had the golden calf ground to powder and mixed into the water supply. (Result: Gold flecked poop!) Moses then returned to the mountain (another 1-week journey), re-chiseled the tablets himself (that'll teach him to control his temper... or not), finished learning the rest of the law (time not specified), and went back to camp again (1 week again). Then the people were assembled, the law was read to them, and they all agreed to be bound by it.

          I am struck by the similarities to the Church of Latter Day Saints origin story.

          Moses: God gave me tablets.
          People: OK, where they at?
          Moses: I broke them.
          People: ???
          Moses: But wait, I copied them down, so these ten things I wrote on these tablets are totally what God told me to tell you.
          People: OK!! Let's go!

          -----

          Joseph Smith: An Italian Angel name "Moroni" gave me some plates with stuff to tell you. I was out in the wilderness skrying (getting answers to questions by listening to my hat) and this Angel totally gave me some golden plates from God that say what He wants us to do.
          People: OK, where these plates at?
          Joe Smith: I got 'em put away somewhere safe. I can't show them to you. God said so.
          People: ????
          Joe Smith: Wait! One of the thing He wants us to do is take a whole bunch of young wives.
          People: Oh, hell yeah! Can we start right now?
          Women: Hey, wait a minute!
          People: Shut up ladies, It's God's will. Now let's choose up. (at this point, the men put their feet in a circle and did "inka-dinka soda cracker..." to see who gets to pick which women. Having been the one to get the golden plates in the first place, Joseph Smith gets to choose first, without participating in "inka-dinka soda cracker...").

          [Note: no disrespect is meant by my depiction of the Jewish or Mormon back stories. Well, maybe a little bit, but not of the Jewish or Mormon people themselves, just on the backstories. And who am I to criticize anyone for believing something crazy? Every April since 1960 I've believed the Cubs were going to win the World Series.]

          • Just to clarify a bit, the second pair of tablets that Moses brought back (having smashed the first pair when he saw the golden calf, so presumably somebody saw him do it) weren't exactly hidden away. Everybody knew where they were kept. Also, the exact words were never kept secret.

            Having said that, well played, sir. Definitely deserves a +1 Funny.
  • Arranged them as a cross. That would have awesome.

    Bonus: it folds up into a cube. Then the goths would make "hellraiser" jokes and the Christians wouldn't get it

  • by TheGratefulNet (143330) on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @04:56PM (#40621185)

    quoting:

    "The battery is actually stronger than everybody else out there on the market.â

    if we feed the christian pad to a Li-Ion, will the romans return again, do you think?

    • by siddesu (698447)
      Since Christians were fed to a Li-Ion only occasionally and not as a matter of policy, no, probably not.
  • We’re looking at other things, probably a newer tablet

    Yeah, uh, so when we start producing the new Edifi 2.0, it's going to be all new and shit.

    Wake me when we have a working space elevator, so we can send these wackjobs to meet their god.

  • by multiben (1916126) on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @04:59PM (#40621235)
    Ha ha ha. the inevitable intersection of technology and religion. Lol.
    • Technology and religion were not mutually exclusive for the longest time. Actually, religion (or rather, the religious types) were the forefront of technology for a good deal of the past two thousand years. Only recently, when we "dared" to study past the boundaries of the religious scriptures and even were so bold to contradict it, the religious types started to get uneasy.

      It wouldn't do religion justice to ignore its value in preserving information during the "dark ages", when little was spared from looti

  • Hey, Christians have been communicating with God via tablets for centuries now. Since Moses 1.0 I believe. Surely they have the patent on that, right?
    • Moses wasn't Christian. The patent belongs to the Jews and Muslims (Abraham licensed it to both of his sons)
    • by rickb928 (945187)

      Common misunderstanding. That was opensourced a couple thousand years ago.

    • "here me, oh israel! god has given me these 15 {{crash}}, I mean 10, these TEN commandments that we should all follow and obey!"

    • Dude, even Mosanto never tried to stretch a patent over three millenia! I mean, the RCC is much but it's not THAT evil!

  • I assume whoever is referring to this device as the "first Christian Tablet" has never been inside a Mardel [mardel.com] store.
  • I would consider getting one just to defile it.
  • Moses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...
    [drops one of the tablets]
    Moses: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!

  • Unless it come in Stone, then it not worth it.
  • That is... (Score:2, Funny)

    by Cosgrach (1737088)

    truly the stupidest thing that I have heard all week.

  • by jdavidb (449077) on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @05:06PM (#40621375) Homepage Journal

    Family Christian is essentially a bookstore, and this is their "Nook" or "Kindle." I'm a little surprised they are big enough to do that, but it's attractive that they are offering an android tablet comparable to the Kindle Fire, for $50 less. That could be pretty useful, regardless of religion.

    My Dad and I shopped at the predecessor to Family Christian Stores years ago, when the name was changed from "Christian Bookstores" to "Christian Stores." We joked that you could go there and buy a Christian, and that obviously enslavement of Christians and throwing them to the lions had returned. I guess our humor probably isn't typical Christian humor. Mainly I think we were annoyed that the book selection shrank and the rest of the space was taken up with artwork and stuff.

    • Family Christian is essentially a bookstore, and this is their "Nook" or "Kindle." I'm a little surprised they are big enough to do that, but it's attractive that they are offering an android tablet comparable to the Kindle Fire, for $50 less. That could be pretty useful, regardless of religion.

      No, it's not comparable with the Kindle Fire. A spec comparison is here [familychristian.com].

      Spec-wise, it looks like it's closer to the Nook Color (not the Nook Tablet), which is $170. However, it has a lower-resolution screen (800x480 compared to 1024x600), no 802.11n, and a resistive touchscreen instead of capacitive. You can get the exact same specs in an even cheaper Chinese tablet; I wouldn't be shocked if these are based on one of those, but rebranded and with Christian-themed software preinstalled.

    • by drinkypoo (153816) <martin.espinoza@gmail.com> on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @06:23PM (#40622551) Homepage Journal

      Family Christian is essentially a bookstore, and this is their "Nook" or "Kindle." I'm a little surprised they are big enough to do that,

      Step 1: email suppliers found via alibaba

      Step 2: get one of them to produce for you a branded tablet

      Step 3: Prophet!

  • Good luck returning it.

  • by carrier lost (222597) on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @05:06PM (#40621385) Homepage
    At first glance I thought "Christian Tablet" referred to a drug you could use to become Christian.
  • We had to make our own Tablet since our Bible app wouldn't run on Heathen Hardware.
    This is of course Tablet 2.0, a massive technological improvement and over 100lbs lighter than the Tablets God gave Moses.

  • by MSRedfox (1043112) on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @05:08PM (#40621433)
    Here are the specs when compared to the Nook Color, Nook Tablet, and Kindle Fire. https://img.skitch.com/20120622-umkafxaic4gwhdr26samdnd1h.jpg [skitch.com]
  • by otaku244 (1804244) on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @05:10PM (#40621475)
    "Eden?"
  • by wickerprints (1094741) on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @05:13PM (#40621513)

    From the summary: "But if you're looking to get in God's good graces, or you're simply in the market for a family-friendly tablet,..."

    Sorry, but Christian != "family-friendly." There is nothing "friendly" about brainwashing and indoctrinating your children into a superstitious, fearful, dogmatic, and guilt-obsessed worldview. Conversely, there is nothing intrinsically "unfriendly" about being non-Christian--i.e., it is a fallacy to imply that Christians have some kind of exclusive claim on being more wholesome or moral than others, simply by being Christian.

    Oh, and one more thing: this whole article is just a thinly-veiled slashvertisement.

    • Re: (Score:3, Informative)

      by ceoyoyo (59147)

      Come on, the bible is good wholesome reading for the whole family. Rape, pillaging, slavery, incest, pedophilia, bestiality, torture, biological warfare and glorification of questionable morals for all.

    • by bolthole (122186)
      Careful, your religion is showing. (Note: being an Atheist, doesnt mean you dont have a religion. it just means your religion doesnt have a god as its center)

      There is nothing "friendly" about brainwashing and indoctrinating your children into ....

      You probably dont have children, do you?

      The primary purpose of parenting (as opposed to, say, an orphanage) is to "indoctrinate", or one might even say brainwash, your children with what you believe is proper behaviour. So the first part of your sentence is not much more than redundantly referring to parenting in general, albeit in an extremely Chr

  • Step 1: take a cheap-ass discounted $50 tablet
    (android 1.x and some 2.x tablets are dropping in price, not to mention RIM playbooks)

    Step 2: add some religious software and branding
    (project gutenberg is a good source of free religious books)

    Step 3: market it to religious groups
    (especially those that are technically ignorant; oh look what granny bought you for X-mas)

    Step 4: profit $$$.

    Step 5: (optional..) repent for your soul at your death-bed.

    Repeat the above steps for Buddhist, Christian, Islamic, Jewish, H

  • Specifically, Ubuntu Satanic Edition.
  • Umm, why are we giving what is almost certainly a crappy piece of equipment with a marketing tie in to a bizarre cult the time of day? Someone who is dumb enough or deluded enough to buy one of these they certainly isn't reading slashdot. If people want to go off and read their weird, nonsensical stories about invisible friends in the sky, fine. But this certainly isn't news for nerds nor is it stuff that matters.

    • uhm, slashdot is here for page refreshes.

      you did know that, right?? that this isn't a service to us, for us or by us?

    • Hey, I had a hard day and I come here to unwind, and I've had more laughs in the few minutes reading this than I had all day during the meetings!

  • by davydagger (2566757) on Wednesday July 11, 2012 @05:32PM (#40621833)
    I guess it would be done sooner or later. Thats the power of free software/open source. If you don't like it, write your own version. Looks a lot like android. So we now have Android Christian edition, in addition to Ubuntu Christian Edition.

    I can firmly say as an unbeliever I won't be buying one, but I as long as they share their source code, I wish them well.
  • âoeIt goes along with our mission: trying to get people closer to God ⦠through a tablet.â I guess telling people they are going to burn in hell for being different than you isn't marketing well right now.

I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. -- Dennis Ritchie

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