Chinese News Reports the Taliban Are Training Monkey Soldiers 232
According to a Chinese news publication, soldiers in Afghanistan may soon come up against a deadly new weapon in the war: monkey soldiers. The report claims that the Taliban are training the monkeys to shoot and kill American soldiers. They also claim to have pictures of monkeys holding AK-47s and Bren light machine guns. From the article: "The New York Magazine has reported about this in jest and stated on Friday, 'No invader has ever conquered Afghanistan, and now we know why. The monkeys will not allow it. It was a good effort, but it's time to pack it in. This is no longer a fight we can win.'”
what? (Score:2)
Really bad translation... (Score:4, Funny)
The time the cited the Onion on the story about the retractable dome over the capital building was funny, but this has to be the worst translation ever.
Monkey Soldiers...
Guerrilla Tactics...
-Rick
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Seriously, it didn't work for the Wicked Witch of the West, why would it work for the Wicked Warmongers of the Middle East.
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Wait til those monkey soldiers meet our Buffalo soldiers. Monkey stew!
How to counter.... (Score:3, Funny)
Sarge: "Alright. Get the fruit truck and the truck loaded with female monkeys in heat."
The monkeys will then drop their weapons, run for the fruit and then for the females in heat. Coalition soldiers then walk in without a fight.
Re:How to counter.... (Score:5, Funny)
Coalition soldiers then walk in without a fight.
Until the Taliban truck in a bunch of Playboy bunnies, weed, and Twinkies
Re:How to counter.... (Score:5, Funny)
Coalition soldiers then walk in without a fight.
Until the Taliban truck in a bunch of Playboy bunnies, weed, and Twinkies
War is Hell.
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So.... the female monkeys in heat... Fresh fruit aint good enough for them?
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So.... Fresh fruit... the female monkeys in heat aint good enough for them?
FTFY
Best be careful.... (Score:5, Funny)
If you start arming monkeys, you end up with a banana republic.
I came here to... (Score:5, Funny)
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I'd be concerned about a mutiny; apparently the pay is peanuts.
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Fight Fire with Fire (Score:3, Informative)
And so starts (Score:5, Funny)
I've heard of guerrilla warfare before... (Score:5, Funny)
...but this is ridiculous!
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Meh, seen it before [wikipedia.org]
Maybe they are? (Score:5, Funny)
Maybe they are?
I wouldn't put it past the Taliban to train a monkey to do a man's job. It's probably cheaper to get a monkey to blow themselves up, especially if the monkey is expecting to receive bananas.
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That wouldn't even be terribly new [wikipedia.org]. Tends to, uhm, backfire though.
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In fact, Allah is probably the only entity imaginable who can. Not even Hanuman would be that interested.
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Right. Have you seen the price of 72 virgins lately?
Of course those virgins have no rights, so they can be traded like property, as if Allah condones slavery.
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Maybe they are running out of their daughters to strap suicide vests. That was also one of their favorite tricks. And then there is that passage in the Koran about 72 bananas....
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Maybe they are?
I wouldn't put it past the Taliban to train a monkey to do a man's job. It's probably cheaper to get a monkey to blow themselves up, especially if the monkey is expecting to receive bananas.
It's not just any old bananas though, it's 14 virgin bananas.
Sarcasm, but I agree with the sentiment. (Score:4, Insightful)
"...It was a good effort, but it's time to pack it in. This is no longer a fight we can win."
History would indicate this is actually the case.
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Drunken Monkey Style (Score:2)
The Chinese are experts with monkey martial arts: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drunken_Monkey [wikipedia.org]
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It is the time of the monkeys.... (Score:2)
Headquarters! what is it? I can't move my lips!
Can't see a thing through these masks
Go go godo watch him go go go
Little Johnny is a walking faux paus
His royal purpleness!
One Boatload of Bananas ... (Score:2, Funny)
will wipe the Taliban out. Capitalism at Work, i.e. Cost Efficient Bribery.
They are doomed I tell you.
Appropriate counter (Score:2)
We're way ahead of them. (Score:5, Funny)
The Marines have had guns for centuries.
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> Now, now, there is really no need to insult the monkeys like that.
Good point. Gorillas aren't monkeys anyway. They're apes (though behaviorly chimps are a better fit).
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And monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!
laugha while you can (Score:3, Informative)
It's not that bad. (Score:2)
Actually, it's not that bad since the US has robots on our side.
Now if they were ninjas that would be a different story, since the only place that has pirates is somalia.
From the looks of this video its an even match (Score:2)
(fyi/spoiler - somewhat-now-famous person in the monkey suit!)
.
Chinese News falling for Onion article again? (Score:2)
It wouldn't be the first time.
oblig Dr StrangeLove reference (Score:3, Interesting)
Every which way (Score:2, Funny)
Before you snicker... (Score:2)
...remember we tried it with bats.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bat_bomb [wikipedia.org]
rj
Darling, don't you monkey with the monkey. (Score:3, Funny)
Monkey soldiers?! (Score:2)
Man, if I were a US soldier on the ground now, I'd be thinking this was a real kick in macaque.
Not Afghanistan (Score:2, Informative)
Mercenary looking for work (Score:2)
My expertise is heavy weapons, demolition, hand to hand combat, and grooming for lice.
How much cheaper would it (Score:2)
The TSA are way ahead of them (Score:2)
The TSA knew this was going to happen, which is why they already have procedures [tsa.gov] for screening monkeys at airports!
Jules Verne! (Score:2)
Gil Braltar [wikipedia.org] is a satirical short story by Jules Verne parodying British colonialism. It was first published together with The Flight to France as a part of Voyages Extraordinaires series (The Extraordinary Voyages) in 1887.
The story is set in British fortress and colony Gibraltar. A man, a Spaniard named Gil Braltar, dresses up as a monkey and becomes leader of a group of monkeys living there (Barbary Macaque). He incites attack on the fortress. The attack, initially successful, is foiled by a British gener
In related news.. (Score:2)
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Wait just a minute.
If they use monkeys and the US uses robots, we can rig up some Predator drones with cameras, hook the whole thing up to pay-per-view, and then start trucking in the weed, twinkies, Playboy, fruit, female monkeys, oil, booze, and blackjack.
Hey, people can PAY to have the trucks come in. "$50 more and the US gets the truck of bananas."
The free hand of the market at work.
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and where's my mooncity?!! (Score:5, Interesting)
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6568977/#slice-2
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Why not?
Just as long as you remember that once you engage in the combat, you are also a fair target.
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Re:uh.... (Score:5, Insightful)
I've got a better option, let's cut and run, and let those fucks continue to conquer the world.
Clearly, hurling rocks at tanks = conquering the world, while spending billions upon billions of dollars on advanced weaponry and yelling at anyone that doesn't agree with us isn't conquering the world.
And, naturally, trying to convert as many countries as possible to our way of doing things doesn't count as conquering.
So, you keep supporting our troops by encouraging our enemies, and I'll keep killing the fuckers who intend to kill you if you don't convert.
That's funny...I don't seem to recall American citizens being killed by Muslim's on a regular basis until we invaded their countries.
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1983 [wikipedia.org]
1993 [wikipedia.org]
October, 2000 [wikipedia.org]
for a more complete list of American citizens being killed by Muslims, try here [infoplease.com].
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1983
From your link:
The attack came in the wake of the intervention of a Multinational Force, made up of Western countries, including the US, in the Lebanese Civil War, to try and restore order and central government authority.
1993
From your link:
These letters made three demands: an end to all US aid to Israel, an end to US diplomatic relations with Israel, and a demand for a pledge by the United States to end interference "with any of the Middle East countries' interior affairs." He stated that the attack on the Wor
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John Dillinger believed he had sufficient reasons to rob banks: "because that's where the money is", in his own words.
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You're an idiot, and so is whoever rated your nonsense "insightful."
Even if you believe all the hype, propaganda, and nonsense about Islamic Terrorism, we are not, and never were, in danger of being conquered by Afghanistan.
Even if they did manage to create a nuclear device and set it off somewhere in the US, that would have meant we would have lost one city to destruction, it would not mean that we suddenly all converted to fundamentalist Islam.
The only religious fundamentalists trying to take over the US
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If so, I'd recommend talking to the Shah of Iran about that.... Or, for that matter, cast your eyes upon our recent successful transformation of Iraq from a brutal se
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it's not accomplishing anything except demoralizing your own troops and encouraging the taliban fighters to keep fighting.
Right. I'm sure their encouragement has nothing to do with bombing their homes. It's me talking smack about our presence there. Of course! Alert the military! ::eye roll::
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You think all that's going on is the US military bombing homes?
What I think is going on is irrelevant...our enemies think all we're doing is bombing homes, which certainly doesn't help lower their bloodlust.
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You want my true, honest, complete opinion? Because you aren't going to like it.
I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
A ground war in these territories is clearly impossible to win. Unless we wipe out every last al-qaeda and Taliban member in the area, then we will never be able to leave. Destroying the whole place is the only 100% surefire option. We need to either ignore what's going on over there, stop playing policeman, and figure out a way to make this
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Guess what. Iraq has been won. Why? Because the people of Iraq themselves decided Al-Qaida were the bad guys, and started helping the US. The same is true for Afghanistan.
So if we've won, why the fuck are we still sending billions of dollars over there? Why are people still being killed on a daily basis?
However, the remnants of the Taliban have been able to establish a new base of operations in the borderlands of Pakistan, and are recruiting new members from the local population there.
If the Taliban were our enemy, and they are still fighting, then the war isn't over numbnuts.
If you have somehow convinced yourself that the wars have been won when we're still throwing money and blood on the ground in both countries, then you and I have nothing else to talk about.
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Woopdeedoo. Why go there over somewhere like Burma, or Sudan, or any other dozens of other places on the globe who are under just as much terror, if not more? Why the Middle East, where our very presence increases the risk on our own soil?
So, if you are trying to convince me this was a noble cause because of the reduction in civilian death, why choose the middle east over other parts of the world?
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Let's take a look back at my post, shall we?
pfft...how about a fight we shouldn't be engaged in at all?
WE'RE BROKE AND OUR COUNTRY IS UNDER MASSIVE DEBT...but uh...we're gonna keep killing these fucks. Send gas, ammo, and armor. Thanks, mom!
Seriously?
Note the bold sections. I was referring to the fact that we shouldn't have started these conflicts in the first place, nor should we be continuing them.
He hasn't suggested any means of extracting your country from the shit
Simple. We pack up and leave. Whether we leave now, five years from now, or fifty years from now, they WILL come back. Might as well do it before more American soldiers are killed and taxpayers dollars are wasted.
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So I should be a good little citizen, fall in line with our government, and back them 100% regardless of whether I agree with it or not?
Thanks for the tip, Commissar.
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Oh, so now I'm only allowed to express my opinion when I vote for one puppet or the other?Fuckin' hell I'm glad you aren't in charge of things over here. Seriously.
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The time to speak up is before the decisions are made, that is the only time your voice can have a positive effect. If you disagree with the decisions, you express your opinion at the ballot box. The point of electing a leader is to have someone to make the tough decisions, since you'll never get a unanimous agreement from all citizens. You won't always agree with the decisions, and not every decision made will turn out to be the right decision. But once that decision is made, you follow through on it, and express your opinion at the ballot box at the appropriate time. In the current war, you need to wait until the Afghan national army is trained and armed properly to keep the Taliban at bay indefinitely. Then the US forces can withdraw, and you can bitch about what a stupid decision it was in the first place. To cut and run now will result in the Taliban regaining power in Afghanistan. Do you think they won't try any more terrorist attacks against US civilians at that point?
No, the time to speak up is always, and especially around election time when we can actually replace the idiots making the bad decisions with others who will hopefully make less bad decisions. Saying we should get out is not whining, it's stating the belief that our government should take that action, i.e. do something to correct the initial bad decision that was made. I don't necessarily agree with that assessment, but it's certainly his right to state his beliefs about it. That's why we have free speec
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I don't think you quite understand the purpose of the first amendment.
I think it is you who don't understand it, the 1st amendment protects people from being punished by the Government, so if I were to say that Obama take it up the ass from Pelosi, I would not be taking it up the ass from Buba in prison.
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I support the fact that they are serving their country...but the missions in Afghanistan and Iraq are indeed a waste of our time. That's not the soldiers' fault.
"War is a lot of young men dying and a lot of old men talking."
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Re:Historical Precedent - but wrong religion (Score:2)
No, the Taliban wouldn't use a "monkey army", because that's something the infidel religion to the south would have done.
And that army of invisible bloodsucking ghosts is a myth too - it doesn't exist. At all.
Re:Way ahead of you (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Coo (Score:4, Funny)
Stage a coo? As in a pigeon call?
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wait, that makes even less cents
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Bill Hicks: You know there was rumours of anti-Castro pigeons seen drinking in bars... Someone overheard them saying 'coup, coup.'
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I'd be more worried about them staging a poo, to be honest.
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I, for one welcome our gun toting simian overlords.
You Damn Dirty Ape!
(I know monkey != Ape, but it's close enough)
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