7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail 320
Whether they spoil in the heat, freeze in the winter, or get taken out by a human-friendly venue of vultures, a zombie outbreak is unlikely to succeed. Here's 7 reasons why we should stop worrying about the shambling dead and start concentrating on a real threat: sparkly vampires.
Reason #0 (Score:5, Insightful)
There are no zombies?
Re:Reason #0 (Score:5, Insightful)
But there is a huge market for all things zombie, and it doesn't even seem to have peaked yet. Zombies are the new vampires, and to date none of them sparkle in the sun.
Most of the zombie fiction is just a different approach to RPG-style problem solving, and has the same appeal. A zombie outbreak happens near you, and the zombies work this way. What do you do? What do you eat? How do you defend yourself? Do you find others, or avoid others? etc, etc. It's good fun.
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and to date none of them sparkle in the sun.
Yet.
Zombie rappers? (Score:3, Funny)
Grills glinting in the sunlight as they shuffle towards you.
Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack (Score:5, Funny)
Want to know why zombies are so cool? Because Hollywood will never be able to get 14 year old girls interested in crappy zombie romance/emo books and movies....
Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack (Score:4, Funny)
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It wouldn't be hard to really. Look at the average post-goth teen. They're still in love with death and the macabre. A vampire is just an undead human if you remove the demon aspect. Stephenie Meyer did that *shudder*. I suppose, you could have teen protagonists, one of which dies and comes back, and then they try to make it work. Think about Return of the Living Dead 3 and factor in some of the recent zombie mockumentaries where zombies are vying for civil rights. I think, sadly, a teen zombie romance is a
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ssssssshhhhh zombie Edward isn't rotting, he's dazzling us with his sparkling.
Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack (Score:4, Informative)
They made a comedy like that, back in the 90's: My Boyfriend's Back [imdb.com] A couple other low-budget ones I can't remember from the 80's, too.
Can't remember any serious/emo ones, though.
Re:Stephenie Meyer is a talentless hack (Score:5, Funny)
Zombies are the new vampires, and to date none of them sparkle in the sun. Want to know why zombies are so cool? Because Hollywood will never be able to get 14 year old girls interested in crappy zombie romance/emo books and movies....
It's true. My lack of hygiene, tattered clothes and strange grunting noises prevent any 14 year old girls from taking an interest in me.
Re:Reason #0 (Score:5, Interesting)
Vampires are ancient, evil, debauched, blood drinking, monsters who turn to ash in the sun.
Fairies are youthful, amoral (note the difference), sparkly, supernatural beings who turn children away from their families and gain strength from human emotions.
Twilight is about fairies. Really lame fairies.
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It all went down hill with Muffy the Vampire Layer IMHO
"Ancient" as in... 19'th century? (Score:5, Informative)
Actually, while humanity had a ton of imagination when it comes to fearing death, nothing even came close to the modern idea of vampire.
What Europe believed in is better described as "revenants", or what we nowadays think of as "zombies." They weren't supposed to be some clever and scheming count, but mindless bloated corpses of some peasants.
Oh, and generally they'd transmit disease generally by just being there not by bit. Remember it was an era where even an educated medicus knew that diseases are transmitted by smells (no, really, the miasma theory of disease) and everyone else knew that corpses cause disease. A corpse walking around was a health hazard by itself.
And just to drive the "zombie" aspect home, most of these were supposed to be literally brain dead. E.g., the ones from an outbreak in Venice could be prevented from biting anything ever again by just shoving a brick in the corpse's mouth. Your average Dracula or White Wolf kinda vampire would be sentient enough to basically go "oh, i have a brick in my mouth" and spit it out. Heck, even the dumbest animal would. But the version those people believed in would be forever thwarted by that brick because they weren't even able to figure that out.
Other forms of thwarting an undead included the equivalent of the frat prank of tying someone's shoelaces together, except it was more like tying the ends a piece of string to the big toe on each foot. Yep, that would thwart them.
Even when myths gave them a couple of neurons still working, then they'd be riddled with a crippling OCD, so they'd irresistably stop and count the grains in a pile of rice or whatever.
Basically they're not quite the smart and scheming baron kind, nor the kind who'd blend in and maintain a Masquerade. They were mindless rotting corpses.
The modern idea of a Vampire was pretty much used invented by Polidori in "The Vampyre", sort of reused in "Carmilla" (where it got some sexual part added too), but only really became mass known via "Dracula". It's really not about any single "ancient" myth, but a mix of several of those. Including a lot of the witchcraft beliefs, incubus beliefs, and various assorted other bits and ends. And yes, some stuff taken from fairies too.
Basically what Polidori, Le Fanu and Stoker did there was already inventing a new kind of vampire and romanticizing it to appeal to their target audience. That was it, really. And each of them felt free to add a few personal touches and mix some even more unrelated mythical monsters to the definition of a Vampire, to make it even more mass-appeal. Which is basically why you've heard of Dracula over and over again, but most people never even heard of Carmilla or The Vampyre.
Complaining that someone else did the same thing is a bit silly. Yes, Twilight included some stuff from an unrelated mythical beastie. What, unlike Stoker, Anne Rice, White Wolf and everyone else... who added bits from unrelated mythical beasties too?
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So Sesame Street's depiction of "The Count" is spot on then.
Re:Reason #0 (Score:4, Funny)
Most of the zombie fiction is just a different approach to RPG-style problem solving
Do you mean RPG-style like in ruchnoy protivotankoviy granatomyot or RPG-7? It's a good option but you can't really run while carrying it.
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Yesterday for example:
http://science.slashdot.org/story/10/08/18/2157230/Zombie-Ants-and-Killer-Fungus [slashdot.org]
Of course, this all depends on what your definition of zombie is.
Some people are strict with the human 'undead' moniker, but as I recall, the zombie dogs in the original Resident Evil game were the scariest aspect of Zombie-dom ~'97, so branching out to the animal kingdom and accepting Ants who are under the influence of the pod people under that Umbrella (hur hur hur
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Real-life zombies are probably more subtle. They probably live among us, and you don't even realize it!
Read this about parasites that can alter human and other mammal behavior and come back and say it isn't as much of a stretch as you'd think:
http://www.technovelgy.com/ct/Science-Fiction-News.asp?NewsNum=547 [technovelgy.com]
Case in point: cat ladies.
Re:Reason #0 (Score:5, Informative)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zimboe [wikipedia.org]
Real-life zombies are probably more subtle
In fact most all of the world has been replaced with Zimboes, and there are very few of us real people left, examples being myself, and Cory Doctorow.
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Re:Reason #0 (Score:4, Insightful)
The problem with any of these "disaster A can't happen" is they always assume humans will band together and act logically which if anything history has taught us in a widespread panic humans are as dangerous and stupid as any other scared animal. To quote MiB "A person is smart, people are dumb, dangerous, panicky animals and you know it.
You know, I love that quote as much as anyone but I'm not convinced it's true. Think of the times when people really HAVE been up against the wall in large numbers, with a cause they believe in, and I think you'll find that in general, we're pretty good in a pinch. Take, for example, the British in WW2. They're having the absolute shit bombed out of them but they stayed organized for the most part and put up a hell of a fight.
Comment removed (Score:5, Insightful)
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Think about rabies.
Now think what would happen if rabid humans were like rabid dogs.
Weird, raBIES and zomBIES are even spelled alike!
The zompocalypse is just a mutation away.
Re:Reason #0 (Score:5, Informative)
There are no zombies?
Constructing the Haitian Zombie: An Anthropological Study Beyond Madness [uci.edu]
Persons identified as zombies are to be found among the inhabitants of Haiti, an impoverished and politically unstable Caribbean country with unique cultural characteristics. Using the lens of the anthropologist, an investigation into Haitian zombiism reveals not only a basis for the bizarre phenomenon of zombiism itself, but also the underlying characteristics of Haitian society that have fostered and it. While zombiism may be fundamentally understood in terms of mental illness, particular theories related to madness are useful in further illuminating the subject, including Sigmund Freud’s signature theses on melancholia, Frantz Fanon’s views on the psychological effects of colonialism, and Emily Martin’s ideas about the performance of mental disorders. The resulting analysis will demonstrate that Haitian zombiism constitutes a cultural construct of madness that thoroughly fits within its post-colonial population, where a bereft people have transformed zombiism into a reality.
PASSAGE OF DARKNESS: THE ETHNOBIOLOGY OF THE HAITIAN ZOMBIE [webster.edu]
Are there really zombies in Haiti? Wade Davis devotes two long sections to this question. He first looks at the popular views and then explores cases where there have been some attempts to carefully and more scientifically determine the status of suspected cases. His key candidate for zombiehood is Clairvius Narcisse. In spring, 1962 Narcisse "died" at the Albert Schweitzer Hospital in Deschapelles, Haiti. His death was verified by the hospital staff. 18 years later Narcisse turned up alive and well, and claimed to be an escaped zombie.
No, I did not read through those articles. I just remember watching an interview with some scientist that researched out the sposid myth. So I knew therw was legitimate research into it.
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Zombies are real in the Haitian voodoo sense, but we're talking about the classic Romero zombie I assumed, the one upon which most zombie fiction is now based.
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His key candidate for zombiehood is Clairvius Narcisse. In spring, 1962 Narcisse "died" at the Albert Schweitzer Hospital in Deschapelles, Haiti. His death was verified by the hospital staff. 18 years later Narcisse turned up alive and well, and claimed to be an escaped zombie.
We don't know if he consumed human flesh when in captivity as a zombie for 18 years or not.
But the links were just to show there is actual research into this, thats all.
lol, I need to stop. It almost lo
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That you're not taking this seriously is a reason why the zombie apocalypse will succeed!
Yes, I believe the zombie originated in Haiti. I think the word too comes from Haiti. I can't remember how much influence the Haitian zombie had on those classic zombie movies.. I mean like "white zombie" etc. I do remember that Romero said that he never thought of his ghouls as "zombies", and he never actually used the word to describe the monsters in his Living Dead trilogy.
I've watched some of this genre shows that s
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Re:Reason #0 (Score:5, Interesting)
Actually, my neurobiology professor [wikipedia.org] (who has a definite knack for explaining complex ideas in everyday language) gives a great lecture on Haitian zombies from a neurobiological and athropological perspective.
Basically, some Haitian (or more commonly, a bunch of Haitians) gets really pissed off at a person, and hires a witch doctor to "curse" them. The curse turns out to be slipping them some tetrodotoxin (better known in popular culture as "the thing in blowfish/fugu that paralyzes you"), which then... paralyzes them to a state in which they can be mistaken for dead.
Most probably die. It's a pretty good poison. But once in a while one of them, after being taken for dead for up to a couple days, actually "comes back to life". This of course freaks everyone out (and gives the witch doctor some major cred). And now this person was officially cursed by the witch doctor, and came back from the dead. He's a zombie! Everyone in town is now both disgusted and somewhat frightened of him, and he starts to believe the stories (and conform to the stereotypes/myths). A zombie is born!
Re:Reason #0 (Score:5, Funny)
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Keep telling yourself that. You'll be sorry one day when you don't run, and a zombie eats your face.
I think they just eat your brains [youtube.com].
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Wait, didn't we visit this subject years ago with a story about dead frozen dogs in Australia being reanimated by having fresh blood pumped into them?
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There are no zombies yet.
FTFY.
This! (Score:2, Informative)
This article is the reason why idle.slashdot.org exists.
Re:This! (Score:4, Informative)
also, please link to the first page of the story:
http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7-scientific-reasons-zombie-outbreak-would-fail-quickly.html [cracked.com]
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I didn't even notice what website it was, I was more interested in the article. (:
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At least they didn't do it when the majority of their readers were at work. That site is highly addictive [xkcd.com] and it's likely that no one would have gotten any work done for the rest of the day. Of course, there might be a large chunk of the workforce that goes into work tired tomorrow because they get to sleep late...
Re:This! (Score:5, Funny)
No, that article is the reason cracked.com exists.
This response is the reason idle.slashdot.org exists.
7. Natural predators can become zombies, too. Then where will your living natural predators be, hmm?
6. Zombies rose from the dead, some years-dead. Making them deader by drying them out isn't going to affect them.
6. Zombies rose from the dead. Dead is even more inert than frozen. Therefore, frozen isn't going to faze them.
5. Biting works for rattlesnakes, black widow spiders, rabid dogs, and yucky girls with cooties. Zombies are onto a business model here.
3. It's not like we're picking a Zombie President early in the cycle. There are zillions of them. Damage to one leaves another undamaged. You can't beat them in reasonable time with iterative solutions.
2. You can run. You can hide. But death comes to us all. And then you'll be the zombie in the place behind the incorrectly designated zombie-proof barrier.
1. Unless you plan to make bullets out of zombie finger bones, you're going to run out of bullets before you run out of zombies. Zillions, man. Zillions.
Yes, there are two rule sixes, and NOOOOOOO...rule four. Clearly not a Python sketch.
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Actually, zombies are the recently dead. As in, still have meat that can be animated. And if you think them freezing won't stop them, you have no business on /.
Zombies will win (Score:2)
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8. To survive as a species, each zombie has to kill one person before becoming disabled. A person in an average car should be able to disable a dozen zombies before they succumb to hood damage. The zombie numbers dwindle.
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Unless you're talking about Romero's "Dead world" films. Only a bite will infect a living person, true, but anyone who dies and is not disposed of properly rises again for some reason.
That's The Night of the Living Dead's whole thing, where the zombies dig their way out of graves, unbitten, to attack the whole world at once. The following chaos and disruption greatly increases their numbers not only through bites, but through any incidental deaths that occur.
If it's viral, and this is unknow
#7. They Have Too Many Natural Predators (Score:4, Insightful)
Re:#7. They Have Too Many Natural Predators (Score:4, Funny)
Oh my!
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Would their zombie wings be able to make birds fly? I always figured zombie birds would be harmless, as they'd simply fall to the ground over their rotten flesh.
So tired (Score:3, Informative)
So, so tired of zombies, pirates, ninjas, and robots. Jesus, Internet, can you please latch on to something else? Anything? I know whatever it is you latch on to will still get annoying, with 18 year old girls running around pretending to be cute and funny, but just being fucking annoying, but for the love of god, let the Zombie bullshit die.
Re:So tired (Score:5, Funny)
If they let it die, it might rise again. Like. a. zombie. OMG!!!!!
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So, so tired of zombies, pirates, ninjas, and robots. Jesus, Internet
Interesting list. So zobmie priate Jesus on the Internet isn't your thing, then?
At least it's not Elves.
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Re:So tired (Score:4, Funny)
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"tired of zombies, pirates, ninjas, and robots. Jesus"
Jesus won't help you here for He is Master or Zombies: He turned Lazarus into a zombie and He Himself was a zombie too (while it took him three days for the conversion).
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Jesus, Internet, can you please latch on to something else?
Like sex, boobs, sex, pics or it didn't happen, sex, really perverted fucked-up shit that should never exist, sex, and lolcats?
The Internet seems to "latch on" to anything and everything. It's an expression of our collective psyches -- so if humans have latched onto anything, anywhere, the Internet has, too.
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You ask to let it die, but what if it REFUSES to die. Like a zombie!
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Are you tired of the internet, and Jesus, too? You could always avoid the internet for a few hours a day if you are tired of zombies, pirates, ninjas, robots, or Jesus. But they will all find you, and probably when you least expect it. Don't forget, not everyone is as wise or experienced as you when it comes to zombies, pirates, ninjas, robots, the internet, and Jesus, and more people are discovering these things (I call them the Super
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So, so tired of zombies, pirates, ninjas, and robots. Jesus, Internet, can you please latch on to something else? Anything? I know whatever it is you latch on to will still get annoying, with 18 year old girls running around pretending to be cute and funny, but just being fucking annoying, but for the love of god, let the Zombie bullshit die.
The next big craze? ZOMG PONIES!
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This doesn't seem very scientific... (Score:5, Insightful)
This person is claiming that zombie outbreaks will fail, but where is the evidence? Has there ever been a zombie outbreak that has actually failed for any of these reasons?
It all seems like blind optimism to me.
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Has there ever been a zombie outbreak that has actually failed for any of these reasons?
Well, that is a good point, but let me turn that question around for a second. Has there ever been a zombie outbreak that succeeded?
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Don't panic.... yet. Have a disaster survival kit, and a plan, and don't forget to include provisions for earthquakes,
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Zombies, Voodoo and Tetrodotoxin: The Truth Behind the Myth [suite101.com]
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Actually, 100% of all documented zombie outbreaks have failed.
They finally did it, they finally did it... (Score:2)
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#1 pretty much covers it (Score:3, Insightful)
Re:#1 don't mean jack (Score:2)
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Most Zombie literature holds that large-scale weapons like bombs, machine guns, artillery and explosive weapons are ineffective. Some take the tack that the outbreak happens so quickly that we don't get use them because the Zombie overwhelm the delivery systems (you can't drop a bomb without a plane; no pilots? no air base? no bombing).
I think this undersells military weapons and how effective they might be.
A gattling-type machine gun or minigun would be devastating in massed crowds -- it'd be like using
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It is true, zombie outbreaks are pretty much doomed from the start. I mean shit, just jump in a tank and start killing. It isn't like they can hurt you. It isn't hard to devise a shelter that zombies can't get into where you can safely kill hundreds or thousands. The military alone could probably kill a few thousand per soldier. You might think we have more people than bullets, but seriously, we don't.
That said, there is way to get around this and let the zombie apocalypse happen. Imagine if zombies c
First Page Link (Score:2, Funny)
There are two pages to the article. Why you link to the second one instead of the main one is beyond me.
Yes I know people complain about the editors and the like, but is it really that much to ask to link to the main page?
Re:First Page Link (Score:5, Funny)
I'd ask if you're new here, but judging from your user ID, you actually are.
At least you're grumbling about the editors so I think you'll fit in okay here.
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You're really going to tell someone with a UID only 530,295 higher than yours that they're "new here"? Your UID is hardly lower than mine either. Also, do you know what the current UIDs being handed out are? I doubt it.
I now bow out for someone with a 5 digit UID to come in and smack you around, to be followed by someone with a 4 digit, then finally a 3-digit. (Much lower than that is an extreme rarity... I mean, there ARE in theory only 90 2-digit UIDs...)
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Also, do you know what the current UIDs being handed out are? I doubt it.
The new crop of UIDS is around 1,800,000, I think 1,880,000 even. Well into seven digits basically.
Hopefully you can accept this information from someone whose UID is only 369,864 less than yours. ;)
My reason #0 (Score:2, Funny)
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Page 1 (Score:3, Informative)
Reason #8 (Score:5, Funny)
Panicky Idiots (Score:2, Insightful)
Ahem. I beg to differ.
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B. Hiding in the top of a hi-rise with one way in and one way out is the sort of thing a panicky idiot would do.
...or someone thinking strategically, knowing that the onslaught can only last a couple weeks, thinking there's probably enough food for everyone to survive on the upper levels, and knows there's enough guns and ammo to hold that perfect choke point for a month.
A Zombie Invasion Is Always Doomed to Failure... (Score:2)
Accepting the fiction as truth.... (Score:2)
Some myths to accept as truth BEFORE considering why a Zombie Outbreak would fail:
(1) Zombies are real
(2) The Zombie infection is viral and spread by getting Zombie fluids (blood, saliva, etc) in another body. It also requires an incubation time.
(3) Zombies need no form of sustenance (food, drink, oxygen, etc)
(4) Zombies eat as an instinct... and it's their only instinct.
(5) They can only be killed by destroying their brains (dealing sufficient damage)
(6) Zombie "blood" is thick and gooey, does not evaporat
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Doh... forgot:
(12) Zombies don't decay. It has something to do with the gooey blood.
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You're pretty much correct. Although I would say #8 is debatable. I believe that as a result of physical limitations placed on a zombies nervous system and joints and muscle due to death, a zombie likely would shamble. Maybe it's a matter of age though. A "new" zombie that turned fairly quickly could quite possibly be one of those new fast-moving zombies. A zombie of something buried many years or a zombie that's existed for a long time probably shambles. Maybe, it's the ultimate fate of every zombie to bec
Just be homer simpson and they will pass you over (Score:2)
Just be as dumb as homer simpson and they will pass you over
well we'll see in november (Score:2)
if the tea party wins a lot legislative seats, then the zombie outbreak will have succeeded
Why Zombies Win (Score:2)
TFA seems to takes only one possible zombie scenario; the dead rising from the grave. Most of the more well thought out zombie scenarios seem to have zombies as a secondary effect of a primary event. Take for example "Omega Man" where most of the population is killed off by the virus, while a large group turns into zombies, and a small group is simply immune. The primary catastrophe is the collapse of modern society due to massive population decreases. The surviving humans, even without the pressure of an u
Fun read. (Score:3, Interesting)
I especially like the point about the sheer number of armed individuals. Makes me think the only semi-viable zombie outbreak scenario is something like Highschool of The Dead, where an outbreak occurs in urban Japan.
But even in Japan, I don't imagine an outbreak would last very long.
I doubt the zombies have much to worry about from the Japanese police though, they've already had an aversion to using their guns ingrained in them through training. Add to that the stress and sheer 'omgwtfbbq'-ness of the situation, and I think it'd be more likely to see many of them either completely freaking out, or making an ultimately futile effort to use batons and riot shields against the zombies. And even the ones that actually use their firearms against the zombies will quickly go through all the ammunition they have access to and be screwed.
I imagine the JGSDF would fare a lot better, even with the psychological factors. The question is, how badly outnumbered would they be by the time someone thinks to officially mobilize them?
But hey, if all else fails, the US military presence in Japan could probably take care of it themselves. I wonder what kind of legal and bureaucratic messes would be involved in mobilizing the US military for actual combat operations on Japanese soil, even in an emergency...
Re:One Reason Why (Score:5, Funny)
You wouldn't be saying that if you'd met some of my managers.
Brain dead - check; stumbling through life - check; rampant desire to eat people's brains (or simply recruit them to their own viewpoint) - check.
QED.
davel
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If anything like this:
http://www.damninteresting.com/body-snatching-barnacles-and-zombie-crabs [damninteresting.com]
ever evolved to infect our species you'd have something pretty close to a zombie outbreak.
Imagine, people infected with something which diverts their basic instincts, millions more parasites start growing in their flesh and they protect them as an otherwise sentient free humans with all the zeal and ferocity that someone will protect their children.
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I, for one, leave it to the US to deal with zombie outbreaks. You, guys have so many weapons stashed up it would be a joke to deal with a couple of zombies. Just get to Europe, will ya?
Sure, like how "we" handled Katrina? The BP spill? Wonderful. The first official act would be to round up all the survivors and confiscate their weapons, then leave them in a stadium with no supplies. Then just one infected gets mixed in with the others...
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Hurrrrrrrrrrr
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A mutation of several well known parasites could very easily create a very real infectious parasitical disease similar to that of zombies. All we need is some rage, a dash of EXTREME HUNGER, and a sprinkle of adrenaline, and some transferral method of the parasite. There you go, a very real and very dangerous outbreak.
There are several examples IRL of parasites and fungi that modify the behavior of their hosts to increase contagion. Apply this to humans as a host and there are several potential approaches. I think the aggressive approach may not be the most successful though, as people tend to kill and/or avoid overly aggressive people. A more successful approach may be for the host to experience a desire for companionship, close proximity to others, and physical contact. This would increase probability of contagion
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Yes, there have been media reports in recent days about new information regarding a fungus that "zombifies" ants, causing them to latch onto particular parts of plants with a "death grip" until they die, allowing the fungus to mature and spread. This is not the only zombie pathogen known.
A more successful approach may be for the host to experience a desire for companionship, close prox