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North Korea Develops Anti-Aging "Super Drink" 296

Posted by samzenpus
from the can-full-of-wonder dept.
__roo writes "According to North Korea's official news agency, a drink produced by North Korea's Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice Joint Venture Company can cure aging and all disease. 'It, with effects of both preventive and curative treatment, helps improve mental and retentive faculties by multiplying brain cells. It also protects skin from wrinkles and black spots and prevents such geriatric diseases as cerebral hemorrhage, myocardium and brain infarction by removing acid effete matters in time.' It also has no side-effects." Last month North Korea announced its fusion breakthrough, and now it has a super drink. One can only imagine what wonders may come in July — perhaps self-buttering toast.

*

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North Korea Develops Anti-Aging "Super Drink"

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  • by OhHellWithIt (756826) * on Monday June 07, 2010 @11:46AM (#32484522) Journal
    It's called beer goggles [urbandictionary.com].
    • Seems to me that stuff like Red Bull and Oil of Ulay is advertised in much the same way. Looks like NK is just catching up with the west.

    • Re: (Score:2, Funny)

      by skogula (931230)
      He who controls the spice, controls the universe!
  • by Peter Simpson (112887) on Monday June 07, 2010 @11:46AM (#32484524)
    About who's going to succeed Kim Jong-Il, then.
    • by Culture20 (968837)
      Yeah, the real news is that North Korea has spent a lot of money on computer graphics to make a cyber Dear Leader. Now Kim Jong-Il can die, but his broadcasts will continue forever. We love you Dear Leader! We understand why only you have have the true benefit of the drink.
      • North Korea has spent a lot of money on computer graphics to make a cyber Dear Lead

        Ever wondered what kind of damage cyberwarfare could do? Sounds like the North Koreans would have A LOT more to lose from a cyberassassination than the Russians.

    • by sznupi (719324) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:09PM (#32484882) Homepage

      Or his demise could suddenly be "guaranteed" to be an act of assasination...

    • by Bakkster (1529253)

      You're modded funny, but it's probably the big reason. When he dies, they can just explain "glorious leader took our rare health potion and is in as good health as his successor was..."

    • Re: (Score:2, Funny)

      by M8e (1008767)

      FYI, North korea has been an necrocracy for 16 years. Kim Il-sung is still the official leader.

      You know, they have a deal with satan or something.

  • by Anonymous Coward on Monday June 07, 2010 @11:47AM (#32484536)

    No different than the food supplements in America. They make all these claims and then some.

  • North Korea is going to beat everyone to the punch and release the first 5G phone powered by their portable fusion reactor.

  • \/|4gr4 (Score:5, Funny)

    by nwmann (946016) on Monday June 07, 2010 @11:48AM (#32484558)
    It will also make your penis grow in size, will make your erection last longer, and your orgasms more intense.
  • Not quite in time to help the "Great Leader". Oh, well. Looks like the start of a North Korean multi-level marketing scheme, with guaranteed buyers (all citizens will be compelled to attend). I can see Kim's people setting up the living room sell-through meetings, with free kimchee on the side.
  • Kim Jong-il (Score:4, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Monday June 07, 2010 @11:49AM (#32484582)

    No wonder he hasn't changed a bit since 10 years.

  • by natehoy (1608657) on Monday June 07, 2010 @11:50AM (#32484594) Journal

    But self-buttering toast that lands butter-side UP when dropped, every time, meaning they have developed a small anti-Murphian field that envelops each slice of toast.

    Next, this Anti-Murphian field will be generated on a larger scale and will be developed as an active defense, meaning that anything that can go right will go wright.

    However, the device will be immediately outlawed and everyone involved in the project killed once Kim Jong-Il realizes that if he ever got in the vicinity of an anti-Murphian field he would be instantly deposed or killed.

    • by natehoy (1608657)

      grep/wright/right. Odd typo, that. Obviously my personal anti-Murphian field failed miserably.

      • The Wright-Murphy feud is almost as famous as the Hatfield-McCoy... no, wait, I think you are just trying to start something!

        Let me fire the first salvo, I'll make up something...

        Wright's Law: If something can go right, it will, for someone else.
        • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

          by gyrogeerloose (849181)

          Wright's Law: If something can go right, it will, for someone else.

          I thought Wright's Law stated that anything that can go rong will go rong.

    • My *GOD* man. An anti-Murphian field could wipe out the last few millennium of human history, and possibly the human race. Such a thing must never be developed! All hail Murphy! All hale (Oh crap, there goes my key*)&&[]

  • Will it Core a Apple?

  • by mr_death (106532) on Monday June 07, 2010 @11:58AM (#32484734)
    ... he still hits a hole-in-one every day!
  • by areusche (1297613) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:00PM (#32484756)
    and it didn't work out too well.
  • Wonderful (Score:5, Insightful)

    by c (8461) <beauregardcp@gmail.com> on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:01PM (#32484776)

    Now all they need to do is come up with a drink which protects against death by starvation and torture and the North Korean people will have something to celebrate.

    c.

  • Hi, Kim Jong-II here for Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice. Tired of getting old? Memory fading? Can't get that grease spot out the shirt you stained stuffing your bloated, capitalistic face at the buffet? The mighty Moranbong Carbonated Fruit Juice cures all that and more. And, if you order today, we'll include a genuine Chinese Army battle shovel!

  • You have to wonder if they are gulible enough to drink the Kool-Aid.

    Why not? Folks have been selling snake-oil for as long as there has been selling and snakes!

    • by jimicus (737525)

      You are talking about a wholly different culture.

      A culture where the last few generations have been indoctrinated from cradle to grave to believe that they live in a wonderful country which is so great they're not allowed to cross the border to see how others live - but why would you want to anyway, citizen?

      Thinking about it, it sounds an awful lot like a cult but on a much larger scale. And the great majority of cult members really do believe everything their wonderful leader says, otherwise there wouldn'

    • What fun is there being stuck in the nineteenth century without it?

  • A script for a sci-fi novel: after years of self-reclusion, the much hated North Korean country have developed two things, the most powerful army in Earth and a drink that can maintain their people forever young. Scared with the potential implications in economy and society, the "western" countries try to invade the korean territories but are repelled by the self-healing soldiers of the enemy...

    (the rest is left to the imagination of the reader...)

  • by Millennium (2451) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:07PM (#32484860) Homepage

    The real question is, has it got electrolytes?

  • by scorp1us (235526) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:09PM (#32484896) Journal

    Many of you are familiar with he earth-at-night photo.

    Well did you ever take a look at North Korea [wordpress.com]? They don't have electricity, much less health care.

    • Well did you ever take a look at North Korea [wordpress.com]? They don't have electricity, much less health care.

      No, the super drink just encourages you to go to bed early, and not leave the lights on.

      Just like the Great Leader said, "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a dictator healthy, wealthy and wise."

    • by sznupi (719324)

      Hm, looking at the worldwide map, much of the US doesn't have electricity (much less healthcare?) either...

      • by Glith (7368)

        Exactly. Because looking at the areas where the population density is almost nothing in the US (like the desert) is totally comparable to the 24 million people in that very small area.

        • Re: (Score:3, Informative)

          by scorp1us (235526)

          I'm not comparing it to the US. I'm comparing it to SOUTH KOREA. They have the same background, up until the war, when SK was left capatialist and NK stayed communist. This is what I am arguing.

          If you want a US comparison, for comparison, go here [nightearth.com] and enter in Valentine, Nebraska. They manage to have a dot. Its the intersection of five roads in the middle of nowhere. then look at it at google earth. Its about 25 blocks in diameter

      • by Danse (1026)

        Hm, looking at the worldwide map, much of the US doesn't have electricity (much less healthcare?) either...

        Ever notice the difference between having no electricity throughout nearly the entire country, which happens to be smaller than many US states, and having stretches of land where nobody lives in a one of the largest countries in the world?

      • by H0p313ss (811249) on Monday June 07, 2010 @02:29PM (#32486872)

        Hm, looking at the worldwide map, much of the US doesn't have electricity (much less healthcare?) either...

        Note that Baffin Island [wikipedia.org] which is mostly north of the arctic circle and is mostly composed of barren (but rather beautiful) rock and tundra with a wopping population of 11,000 people (giving it a population density of 0.02 /km2 )has more bright points than North Korea which has over 24 million people and a population density of 198.3/km2.

        I'll leave interpretation of the actual meaning of these facts as an exercise for the student.

    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by thijsh (910751)
      Hey I can see Kim Jong-Il's house there, that one little dot... He must not be able to sleep at night...
    • Re: (Score:2, Funny)

      by coffii (76089)

      As you can clearly see the majority of North Korea uses non-light polluting light, it's considerably more advanced than the light used in other nations.

  • by tverbeek (457094) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:10PM (#32484920) Homepage

    In all seriousness, these are warning signs that things are going to get very nasty in the Korean Peninsula very soon.

    When a totalitarian regime plays the "we are being victimized by the rest of the world" card in their nationalistic propaganda, the people will generally believe it and will unite in support of the leader, sometimes for decades. But when a regime tries to stoke the nationalistic fires by playing the "we are the greatest country in the world" card and making impossible promises of how gloriously successful they will be in the coming years, promises that will very quickly be seen by everyone as the bullshit they are, something's gonna happen and it's gonna happen soon.

    • by Jeng (926980)

      Or maybe Dear Leader knows that is what we would think.

      He's trying to psych us out, still.

    • This is exactly the kind of story that has been coming out of North Korea for decades. They may well be in imminent danger of collapse, but stories like these are no harbingers of such calamity. Besides, China has a vested interest in propping up North Korea, because they don't want millions of refugees crossing uncontrolled into China.

  • by sageres (561626) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:12PM (#32484954)
    At an art museum in Europe, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a North Korean stand before a painting of Adam and Eve holding an apple in the Garden of Eden. The Englishman says: "The man has something tasty to eat and is eager to share it with the woman. Based on that, I would conclude that they're rather obviously English..." The Frenchman says: "I disagree. They're walking around entirely naked, so they must be French..." The North Korean says: "There is no doubt in my mind that they're North Korean. They have no clothes to wear, barely anything to eat, and they still think they're in heaven!"
  • microelements are people man!
  • by kiehlster (844523) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:20PM (#32485058) Homepage
    They could really benefit from a drink that makes people aware of how outlandish they sound.
  • So they've basically developed the anti-soju! sweet

  • by kheldan (1460303) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:21PM (#32485070) Journal
    You drink it, and it kills you. If you're dead, you don't age anymore, and dead things technically can't contract diseases.
    • by dkleinsc (563838)

      Quick, someone sell a lot of it to the Dear Leader! I mean, this has an equally good chance of working as a Castro exploding cigar.

    • by Reziac (43301) *

      So, is the real objective population control ("No population, no popular unrest!") or assassination of Dear Leader??

  • Thank heavens - my acid effete matters have been giving me terrible trouble lately, darlings.

  • by sageres (561626) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:25PM (#32485124)
    I have no doubt in my mind that this is a hint of opressed press: The Great Comrade Kim Jong Il is old, sick and soon to die. And here is a reason: in 1952-53 when Stalin was on his deathbed, official press maintained that "The Father of All Nations" was in the greatest health of all. However, sometime around that time, hints appeared all over the press, such an article that was published in Pravda that claimed that there is a rumor that Georgians live way past 130 years. The average Soviet people would then read it, conclude that it is impossible, and then realize what the paper really meant to say "between the lines".
  • Lie, make outrageous and impossible claims, try to get everything you can out of it.
    As does the leader, so do the people.
  • This joke:

    One can only imagine what wonders they will reveal in July, perhaps self buttering toast.

    ... never gets old.

  • Drug test there world cup team!

  • One can only imagine what wonders they will reveal in July, perhaps self buttering toast.

    Pffft. Call me when they can make it always land buttered-side up.

    • by jimicus (737525)

      That's easy, superglue it to a cat.

    • by gtall (79522)

      They cannot make it land butter-side up, they have no butter. Hell, they don't even have toast or toasters to toast in or electricity to waste on toasters. The little sawed-off Dear Leader Runt needs to go tits-up soon before the nation does...although it would serve China right if the entire N. Korean pop. made a run for the Chinese border seeing as how helpful China has been over N. Korea.

  • by CubicleView (910143) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:36PM (#32485286) Journal

    "It, much higher than quality cosmetics in anti-oxidation capacity, is efficacious for different skin diseases, including allergic dermatitis. It also makes skin fair. "The drink has no side-effect."

    It's a fruit juice drink that turns your skin white, but has no side effects....eh?

  • by Badmovies (182275) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:37PM (#32485296) Homepage

    Last month they announced their fusion breakthrough, and now they have a super drink. One can only imagine what wonders they will reveal in July, perhaps self buttering toast.

    Bah. Wake me up when North Korea announces that they are going to release "Duke Nukem Forever."

  • This - Kim Jong-Il, atomic fusion, and death-defying soft drinks - this is what Steve Jobs would look like if he couldn't quite pull it off.

  • Really, what's the point of curing old age, and all the diseases known to mankind, if you have to live in Little Kim's dictatorship. I could probably learn to deal with Kim's egomaniacal personality - if only there were FOOD to go around. Think of it. Eternity ahead of you - and hungry all the time. Phhht.

    • by Locke2005 (849178)
      Really, what's the point of curing old age, and all the diseases known to mankind, if you have to live in Little Kim's dictatorship. Please don't insult Lil Kim [woooha.com]
  • We laugh (Score:5, Insightful)

    by DaMattster (977781) on Monday June 07, 2010 @12:44PM (#32485390)
    We laugh at the ridiculous claims of the famous "pigmy" leader's regieme whilst falling victim to the same scam in our own backyard. Look at the weight loss scam products that are out there that have spawned almost a billion dollar industry. It would seem that these shady product vendors bring a product to market long enough to make a large sum of money before being discovered as, at best inefffective and at worst, outright fraud. I find it funny that we laugh at the "Super Drink" while we become easily duped by advertisements on TV that claim super weight loss.
    • as they are. Yet we think that because we live in a more modern society that they are the idiots.

      I guess it is easier to look down on another country than admit to the problems in your own

    • Yep this is no different to any of the other super-drinks marketed in the west, high in anti-oxidants and all that crap. There's plenty of "anti-ageing" creams here in the UK, basically just anything that blocks UV rays can be marketed as anti-aging.

    • Re: (Score:3, Insightful)

      by sorak (246725)

      We laugh at the ridiculous claims of the famous "pigmy" leader's regieme whilst falling victim to the same scam in our own backyard. Look at the weight loss scam products that are out there that have spawned almost a billion dollar industry. It would seem that these shady product vendors bring a product to market long enough to make a large sum of money before being discovered as, at best inefffective and at worst, outright fraud. I find it funny that we laugh at the "Super Drink" while we become easily duped by advertisements on TV that claim super weight loss.

      This is why FDA approval is a good thing.

    • by Joe Snipe (224958)

      What kind of super weight loss? Does it really work?

  • I think Michael Moore needs to mak a movie about this, to shame the U.S. about its softdrink innovation pace.

  • So, they've invented Dr. Wiggin's Patent Cure-All And Digestive Aid. Next they're going to be announcing the discovery of the new elements Unobtanium and Impossibilium, and their successful use in building a burrowing machine that has penetrated the Earth's mantle and restarted the rotation of the core.

  • If the aim is to simply multiply brain cells, there are plenty of other ways to do that too: just do anything that can give you brain cancer.

  • Does Kim Jong Il play the Michael Jackson or Paul McCartney part in the commercial?
  • My guess is the cloned version of Kim Jong is in the works. They'll use this drink to explain how he suddenly went from old and feeble to an 18 year old overnight.

  • "...It gives you an erection, it wins the election..."

  • The US is already infested with "super drinks". Bottles of acai / gojiberry / mangosteen juice for ridiculous markups. Most of them sold by idiots to idiots via MLM / pyramid schemes -

    It wouldn't surprise me at all that North Korea or their western partners have decided they want a piece of this scam by turning some unpalatable unheard of plant / berry / fruit into a "super drink".

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