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Chinese News Reports the Taliban Are Training Monkey Soldiers 232

Posted by samzenpus
from the I-want-to-shoot-like-you-oo-oo dept.
According to a Chinese news publication, soldiers in Afghanistan may soon come up against a deadly new weapon in the war: monkey soldiers. The report claims that the Taliban are training the monkeys to shoot and kill American soldiers. They also claim to have pictures of monkeys holding AK-47s and Bren light machine guns. From the article: "The New York Magazine has reported about this in jest and stated on Friday, 'No invader has ever conquered Afghanistan, and now we know why. The monkeys will not allow it. It was a good effort, but it's time to pack it in. This is no longer a fight we can win.'”

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Chinese News Reports the Taliban Are Training Monkey Soldiers

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  • Am I the only one who thought monkey soldiers was a type of military unit? Like shock troops or special forces? It wasn't until I saw the picture that I actually got it, they mean actual monkeys.
  • by AnonymousClown (1788472) on Monday July 12, 2010 @01:17PM (#32876074)
    Grunt: "Sarge, there's a platoon of monkeys coming at us!"

    Sarge: "Alright. Get the fruit truck and the truck loaded with female monkeys in heat."

    The monkeys will then drop their weapons, run for the fruit and then for the females in heat. Coalition soldiers then walk in without a fight.

  • by daemonenwind (178848) on Monday July 12, 2010 @01:17PM (#32876082)

    If you start arming monkeys, you end up with a banana republic.

  • Fight Fire with Fire (Score:3, Informative)

    by Sponge Bath (413667) on Monday July 12, 2010 @01:19PM (#32876108)
    Time to call Lance Link!
  • by Kitkoan (1719118) on Monday July 12, 2010 @01:21PM (#32876130)
    The real planet of the apes... DAMN YOU
  • by ProppaT (557551) on Monday July 12, 2010 @01:23PM (#32876168) Homepage

    ...but this is ridiculous!

  • by elucido (870205) * on Monday July 12, 2010 @01:23PM (#32876172)

    Maybe they are?

    I wouldn't put it past the Taliban to train a monkey to do a man's job. It's probably cheaper to get a monkey to blow themselves up, especially if the monkey is expecting to receive bananas.

    • by sznupi (719324)

      That wouldn't even be terribly new [wikipedia.org]. Tends to, uhm, backfire though.

    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by PPH (736903)
      Right. Have you seen the price of 72 virgins lately?
      • by jbeach (852844)
        But if anyone can find 72 monkey virgins, Allan can.

        In fact, Allah is probably the only entity imaginable who can. Not even Hanuman would be that interested.
      • by elucido (870205) *

        Right. Have you seen the price of 72 virgins lately?

        Of course those virgins have no rights, so they can be traded like property, as if Allah condones slavery.

    • by gtall (79522)

      Maybe they are running out of their daughters to strap suicide vests. That was also one of their favorite tricks. And then there is that passage in the Koran about 72 bananas....

    • by euxneks (516538)

      Maybe they are?

      I wouldn't put it past the Taliban to train a monkey to do a man's job. It's probably cheaper to get a monkey to blow themselves up, especially if the monkey is expecting to receive bananas.

      It's not just any old bananas though, it's 14 virgin bananas.

  • by pablo_max (626328) on Monday July 12, 2010 @01:28PM (#32876220)

    "...It was a good effort, but it's time to pack it in. This is no longer a fight we can win."

    History would indicate this is actually the case.

    • What history are you talking about, actually? Recent US history shows that we have good chances of winning (by winning in this case I'm going to say establish a viable government that we can rely on to keep the country free of Al Qaeda and we can push them if they don't), as long as the public stays behind the war. If the public loses support for the war (like in Vietnam, which probably happened because the army was actively lying and misrepresenting how the war was going), then of course it can't be won.
  • The Chinese are experts with monkey martial arts: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drunken_Monkey [wikipedia.org]

  • Now get in there and test that luggage!
    Headquarters! what is it? I can't move my lips!
    Can't see a thing through these masks
    Go go godo watch him go go go
    Little Johnny is a walking faux paus
    His royal purpleness!
  • will wipe the Taliban out. Capitalism at Work, i.e. Cost Efficient Bribery.

    They are doomed I tell you.

  • We need to train monkey-eating eagles, like the Phillippine Eagle [wikipedia.org] and the Harpy Eagle [wikipedia.org]....
  • by John Hasler (414242) on Monday July 12, 2010 @01:45PM (#32876458) Homepage

    The Marines have had guns for centuries.

    • by elrous0 (869638) *
      Now, now, there is really no need to insult the monkeys like that.
      • It all makes sense now, I always wondered where Hooah [wikipedia.org] came from, it was just monkey talk...
      • > Now, now, there is really no need to insult the monkeys like that.

        Good point. Gorillas aren't monkeys anyway. They're apes (though behaviorly chimps are a better fit).

  • laugha while you can (Score:3, Informative)

    by trb (8509) on Monday July 12, 2010 @01:54PM (#32876582)
  • Actually, it's not that bad since the US has robots on our side.

    Now if they were ninjas that would be a different story, since the only place that has pirates is somalia.

  • It wouldn't be the first time.

  • by stewbee (1019450) on Monday July 12, 2010 @02:03PM (#32876686)
    General Turgidson: " Mr President! We must not allow a monkey soldier gap."
  • Left turn, Clyde.
  • ...remember we tried it with bats.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bat_bomb [wikipedia.org]

    rj

  • by Quiet_Desperation (858215) on Monday July 12, 2010 @02:58PM (#32877332)
    In related news, the US deploys its new Gabriel drones with the ability to shock the monkeys.
  • Man, if I were a US soldier on the ground now, I'd be thinking this was a real kick in macaque.

  • Not Afghanistan (Score:2, Informative)

    by Anonymous Coward
    The picture is clicked in India. That's the president's house (Rashtrapati Bhavan) in the background (Janpath is the name of the street).
  • My expertise is heavy weapons, demolition, hand to hand combat, and grooming for lice.

  • Have been in the long rub to just pay off the Taliban to go and hang out in some exotic place with dirty 72 virgins.
  • The TSA knew this was going to happen, which is why they already have procedures [tsa.gov] for screening monkeys at airports!

  • Gil Braltar [wikipedia.org] is a satirical short story by Jules Verne parodying British colonialism. It was first published together with The Flight to France as a part of Voyages Extraordinaires series (The Extraordinary Voyages) in 1887.

    The story is set in British fortress and colony Gibraltar. A man, a Spaniard named Gil Braltar, dresses up as a monkey and becomes leader of a group of monkeys living there (Barbary Macaque). He incites attack on the fortress. The attack, initially successful, is foiled by a British gener

  • Taliban has PhotoShop. Maybe time to tighten those software export restrictions?

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