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Smell Like An Orc 90

You may have no trouble smelling like an orc after 12 straight hours of raiding, but if you do, Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab is here for you. The company has come out with a line of RPG inspired perfumes. Choose from: Dwarf, Elf, Half-elf, Hafling, Orc, Cleric, Fighter, or Mage and people will not only see that you're a geek, they'll smell it too.
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Smell Like An Orc

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  • by Anonymous Coward

    Smell like Steve Ballmer? No thanks.

    • by glitch! (57276)

      Do you really want to smell like an orc? Okay. DMSO. The amount may vary per person, but start with one or two teaspoons per day. Increase the dose if nobody complains after a few days. At first, people might wonder, "Did someone open a can of oysters?" And if you keep at it, I guarantee that you WILL smell like rotting garbage.

      Please note that while you are helping your health, you are creating a very real risk of losing whatever relationships you may have, if you make this more than a short-term exp

  • by Anonymous Coward

    Cheetos and Mountain Dew. It's what Orcs smell like. It's what Elves smell like. It's the aroma eternal, the olfactory cloak that keeps watch over all gaming tables.

  • by russotto (537200) on Friday April 22, 2011 @01:56PM (#35908820) Journal

    Dwarf: Smells strongly of BO, smoke, and earth
    Elf: Smells of BO poorly covered with essential oils
    Half-Elf: More BO, less essential oils.
    Halfling: BO, but at half strength, with a hint of bacon and eggs.
    Orc: 8 times the BO standard, plus the stench of rotten breath.
    Cleric: BO covered with incense
    Fighter: BO, double strength
    Mage: Smells like Brylcreme. Mages can make BO disappear but are clearly at a loss as to what to do with their hair.

    • by Svartalf (2997)

      ROFLMAO! Thank you for making my day there.

    • by HTH NE1 (675604)

      Pusling: How do you tell if you've used enough deodorant?
      The Drifter: You grab an Orc and shove its head into your armpit. If it passes out, it's time for another coat.

    • by Provocateur (133110) <> on Friday April 22, 2011 @02:06PM (#35908914) Homepage

      I wouldn't want to visit those factories that make them. Tho 'tis rumored, that the fumes emanating from their smokestacks are so strong, that the females in the vicinity tend to shed off their clothes, and their inhibitions, and for the weaker of the species, their control, as they lunge at the nearest male, with intent to mate with wanton abandon...

    • by Fnkmaster (89084)

      Somebody's obviously been to more than a few Renaissance Faires.

    • by Culture20 (968837)
      Anyone who has attended gencon can attest to the veracity of your claims.
    • by Anonymous Coward
      • DWARF Iron filings and chips of stone, Styrian Golding hops, and soot-covered leather.
      • ELF Pale golden musk, honeycomb, amber, parma violet, hawthorne bark, aspen leaf, forest lily, life everlasting, white moss, and a hint of wild berry.
      • HALF-ELF White sandalwood, beeswax, white tea leaf, oud, and a hint of sophisticated urban musk.
      • HALFLING Porridge, kukui nuts, and pastry crumbs.
      • ORC Field grey courgette musk, roughly cured leather, and vetiver.
      • CLERIC Rose amber, frankincense, myrrh, champaca f
    • Murder: Smells like crazy with a good dash of virginal women. Pays for lunch. []

    • by ikeman32 (1333971)
      You forgot the -4 modifier to intelligence when haggling for the price. There is also the Constitution check at -3 or pass out for 1d4 rounds due to being overcome by the stench. In all of the games of AD&D I have play and DM'd not a single player has ever stated that their character is going to bath.
  • people will not only see that you're a geek, they'll smell it too.

    Chances are they already do.

    • by Hultis (1969080)
      This. Anyone who's ever been at a LAN party knows that a geek doesn't need some fancy pants perfume to smell like a geek.
      • This. Anyone who's ever been at a LAN party knows that a geek doesn't need some fancy pants perfume to smell like a geek.

        if you're putting it on your pants, you're doing it wrong

  • To wit, the scent of failure.
  • buh (Score:5, Informative)

    by heptapod (243146) <> on Friday April 22, 2011 @02:06PM (#35908906) Journal []

    Link to the actual site rather than BoingBoing.

    • $17 for 5ml... pricey. Though still not nearly as expensive as printer ink.
  • Countless stories have been written about these races, all of them slightly rehashed with a few small combinations changed but largely the races characteristics and their appearance have largely remained unchanged in all the media they have been portrayed in. Here at last is something new about these overused boiler plate races.

    The smell of each of them is something new, will our mental image of them change after smelling them?

    • Other mythological types have not been so lucky. Witness the total emasculation of vampires in a certain recent series of novels, for example.
  • Is thois story related to the previous one "using the International Space Station as a testbed for a human mission to Mars?" Is that where they determined what anorc should smell like?

  • by Translation Error (1176675) on Friday April 22, 2011 @02:17PM (#35908988)
    I'm not a troll! Honest! It's just my new cologne!
  • I always play humans in D&D. Why is there no human aroma available?
  • Is there an RPG that has a soap and water class?

  • by The-Bobmeister (969131) on Friday April 22, 2011 @02:26PM (#35909054)

    Hello ladies...
    Take a look at your man, hunched over the computer monitor,
    Now back at me.
    Now back you man, who's been playing WoW for two days straight.
    Sadly, he isn't me - and will likely never live my envious lifestyle or even own a horse,
    But since he's already a hardcore gamer, he may as well smell the part too...

    • by Dunbal (464142) *
      I wonder how you managed to type your post without being hunched over a computer monitor. Also fail troll, there are no women on slashdot - much less in a slashdot thread that has the word "orc" in it. You might get some federal agents though.
      • It's a parody of the Old Spice ads. I think it would have been better if he had made himself out to be an orc version of the Old Spice guy rather than the regular Old Spice guy. Maybe could change "I'm on a horse" to "I'm on a dire wolf" as a WoW reference. Oh well, missed opportunity :)
    • ...and after my mode points expired, too.
      Is there a +1 Funny in the house?
    • "Sadly, he isn't me - and will likely never live my envious lifestyle or even own a horse..."


  • You know, you try to convince people you're just like everyone else, that the stereotypes about geeks aren't true, that you really do know how to talk to girls... Then a story like this one gets out.

    • by X0563511 (793323)

      ... and what is so odd about the scent of "worn leather, hemp, and rosin"? Take a look. These are hardly bad scents.

      The above description is Rogue. Those are good smells, and taken together would smell much like an old leather jacket, riding gear, or perhaps an instrument case. Not "yuck" at all.

  • They're on to me!

  • What about half-orcs? Wait, what about trolls? No, wait... what about gnomes?

    Besides, classes are mixed with races. A half-elf can be a fighter, a cleric or a mage. That list doesn't make sense to me.
  • Ladies. Look at your Orc. Now back to me. Now back to your Orc. Now back to me.

  • I was sitting at some distance from the screen when I read that headline, and I genuinely thought it said "Smell Like an Oric []".

    I thought some enterprising British company had created some weird-ass fragrance that smelled like retro computer plastic or something. Not entirely unlike this [] or these guys [] (*)

    Smell like an Orc? Not so much. I thought that (a) your stereotype geek was already pretty competent at that, and (b) it wasn't something that would normally be considered desirable. :-)

    (*) Disclaimer;
    • by mattack2 (1165421)

      As opposed to smelling like Orac. (OK, I guess that probably smells the same as an Oric.)

  • You're a slashdotter. Girls can smell it on you already.

  • Gamers, take a lesson from the French, who cannot be conquered because they have two ultimate weapons. Their armpits, and garlic.
  • Lemme guess...fill the bottle with butyric acid, top of with some random aromatic oil...profit!

  • Why no Ogre scent?

  • Unfortunately the Orc scent is just all of the Axe colognes mixed together.
  • by Caerdwyn (829058) on Friday April 22, 2011 @06:11PM (#35911152) Journal

    You can do this yourself! You don't need a perfume factory! Smell like a...

    Tauren: Worchestershire sauce
    Forsaken: "biology experiment" in the 8-month-old milk carton
    Gnome: Fukashina (BOO! BOO! TOO SOON!)
    Blood Elf: Hairspray. More hairspray. More hairspray than that. Gnarly.
    Murloc: Yesterday's sushi
    Night Elf: lavender and rose buds, such a horrible scent they be
    Worgen: wet dog
    Draenei: wet goat
    Goblin: newly-minted roll of quarters
    Dwarf: sacramental whisky, splashed behind the ears
    Troll: ganja! I mean, oregano
    Human: plain nonfat unflavored watered down yogurt
    Blizz GM: capacitor electrolyte

  • It smells like goblins. Eat it?

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