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Amazon Selects Their Favorite Fake Customer Reviews 98

Posted by samzenpus
from the creative-writing dept.
An anonymous reader writes "Amazon's just created a new web page where they're officially acknowledging fake reviews posted by their customers — and they've even selected their own favorites . ('I was very disappointed to have my uranium confiscated at the airport. It was a gift for my son for his birthday. Also, I'm in prison now, so that's not good either...') On the front page of Amazon, in big orange letters, Amazon posted 'You guys are really funny.'And then — next to a funny picture of a rubber horse head mask — Amazon's linked to a list of some of the very best satirical reviews their customers have submitted over the years, noting fondly that 'occasionally customer creativity goes off the charts in the best possible way...'"
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Amazon Selects Their Favorite Fake Customer Reviews

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  • by ackthpt (218170) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @05:32PM (#44578505) Homepage Journal

    It wasn't me, it was the other guy.

  • I remember a great evening with the family when we were reading reviews for laxatives and other products like it. It's just so funny for people to be open about their, er, regular habits. Some samples:


    "I used to be constipated for several days at a time for over 20 years before I started taken Swiss Kriss herbal laxative. I gave this herbal laxative 5 stars, because it works every time I use it. I never cramp. It's just a smooth move everyone should try."


    "I have ALWAYS had a problem with constipat
    • by ackthpt (218170)

      I remember a great evening with the family when we were reading reviews for laxatives and other products like it. It's just so funny for people to be open about their, er, regular habits. [...]

      I've written quite a lot, including some very silly ones (none of these were mine, thank goodness) but there are some items I've been waiting on and reading early reviews which are more troll or speculative opinion than review. Others were informative. And then there were a lot of Wow, you took this product through the mill, didn't you, are you alright? Hope the injuries heal quick .. sort of thing.

    • Re: (Score:2, Funny)

      by Anonymous Coward

      I remember a great evening with the family when we were reading reviews for laxatives...

      Oooh-kay.

    • It's just so funny for people to be open about their, er, regular habits.

      You're saying that it's funny for people to be open about their regular habit of being closed?

  • by yorgasor (109984) <.ron. .at. .tritechs.net.> on Thursday August 15, 2013 @05:42PM (#44578593) Homepage

    I'm reading this while wearing my three wolf moon shirt. It's the best shirt in the world, if only it glowed in the dark.

    • by ackthpt (218170)

      I'm reading this while wearing my three wolf moon shirt. It's the best shirt in the world, if only it glowed in the dark.

      Console your self with the banana slicer, but not while you are wearing the horse mask.

    • by Jumunquo (2988827) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @05:45PM (#44578633)
      That's what the uranium is for.
      • That's what the uranium is for.

        Are you sure? I would have thought that selenium would be more appropriate. After all, the Three Wolf Uranus Shirt was a flop.

        • After all, the Three Wolf Uranus Shirt was a flop.

          And the Pluto version was an absolute howler...

    • by jonyen (2633919)

      I'm reading this while wearing my three wolf moon shirt. It's the best shirt in the world, if only it glowed in the dark.

      They have one now: http://shop.themountain.me/three-wolf-moon-glow-t-shirt/ [themountain.me]

      • by no1nose (993082)

        I love how the three-wolf shirt is a thing. I want to get one and wear it on casual Friday.

    • by oodaloop (1229816) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @06:58PM (#44579107)
      Apparently one of the reviews is from George Takei. Like, actually from the real George Takei. I guess?

      This shirt has changed my life! Before, I couldn't walk through the aisles at Wal-Mart, graze on the buffet at Sizzler, or even take in a round at my local miniature golf course, without people pointing and saying, "Hey, you're that Zulu guy from Star Wars, aren't you?" Even if I wore sunglasses, I'd still get mistaken for Yoko Ono. But with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, the SHIRT now draws the eye. One young teen even shyly approached me, and instead of asking for a picture or an autograph, simply smiled conspiratorially and whispered, "Team Jacob, right? Me, too. He's sooooooo dreamy." Yes he is, young lady. Yes. He. Is.

      • by Nimey (114278)
        Yeah, he's been posting fake reviews on Amazon for a bit over a month now.
      • I don;t read reviews much so I never came across this phenomenon before today. This is terrific. A whole new subgenra of literature is born.
  • by Saija (1114681) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @05:53PM (#44578709) Journal
    one of my favorites: Epic all-situation survivor's kit [amazon.com]
  • by Anonymous Coward
    By Maurice Cobbs "Better Living through Evil Science" [amazon.com]

    You've had a busy play day - You've wiretapped Mom's cell phone and e-mail without a warrant, you've indefinitely detained your little brother Timmy in the linen closet without trial, and you've confiscated all the Super-Soakers from the neighborhood children (after all, why does any kid - besides you, of course - even NEED a Super-Soaker for self-defense? A regular water pistol should be enough). What do you do for an encore?

    That's where the US Air
  • by Anonymous Coward on Thursday August 15, 2013 @06:00PM (#44578749)

    Read http://www.amazon.com/review/RXXPVOUH9NLL3

    I'll quote the first stanza:

    Once upon a mid-day sunny, while I savored Nuts 'N Honey,
    With my Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 gal, 128 fl. oz., I swore
    As I went on with my lapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
    As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the icebox door.
    'Bad condensor, that,' I muttered, 'vibrating the icebox door -
    Only this, and nothing more.'

  • by oodaloop (1229816) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @06:02PM (#44578763)
    Most of those on that page are incomplete. For instance:

    What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!

    And my personal favorite review of the banana slicer:

    I would rate this product as just okay. It's kind of cheaply made. But it works better than the hammer I've been using to slice my bananas.

  • by Somebody Is Using My (985418) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @06:03PM (#44578771) Homepage

    I'm surprised nobody has mentioned the reviews on this [amazon.com] page yet for Denon's AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable, a $500 gold-connector CAT5 cable. Possibly the greatest fake reviews on Amazon.com

    Oh, wait. It's mentioned on TFA. Well, since nobody reads that anyway so can we still say I was the first guy to mention it? Plus, they deserve being mentioned twice anyway ;-)

    • by stox (131684)

      At least twice. I still laugh when I read it, and it has been there for how many years now?

    • by Anonymous Coward

      If it's only $500, then it's come down in price.

      At one point it was around $4000.

    • by greg1104 (461138)

      This is similar to the AudioQuest K2 [amazon.com] reviews, which includes the funniest single review I've ever seen there--starting with "We live underground. We speak with our hands. We wear the earplugs all our lives."

    • by AmiMoJo (196126) *

      Nothing will ever beat the Machina Dynamica's Brilliant Pebbles [machinadynamica.com]. They even boast about how they replaced the original glass jar with a plastic zip-lock bag for better frequency response.

      At least the signal passes through Denon's cable. Machina Dynamica recommend taping the pebbles to the audio cable, and then putting a few more bags on the corners of the room. Why am I wasting my time working five days a week when I could be selling bags of pebbles for $160 each?!

  • Don't encourage them. Maybe it was funny the first few times, now every dumb asshole with delusions of wit goes on there and tries to make funny. It had officially jumped the shark when some political satire rocket surgeons went to the binders and made a Hie-Larious joke about Romney's binders and binders of women.

    Yes, I'm getting old and jaded and find less and less of Internet hilarity to be all that funny any more.

  • by Anubis IV (1279820) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @06:11PM (#44578837)

    More like it's been visible from the front page for at least a few months now. It's been one of the items in regular circulation right under that topmost section of the page where they advertise their various services and products.

    Even so, if you haven't seen it, it's definitely worth a read. The Three Wolf Moon shirt and $10,000 Denon cable are, of course, on there, but so are a surprising array of other items.

  • by Anonymous Coward

    The Editorial Page of the Washington Post will now be assembled from carefully selected Amazon reviews.

  • by Kaenneth (82978) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @06:15PM (#44578867) Homepage Journal

    Amazon wiped my old wish list for no apparent reason, so I've been using my new one mostly to track humorous reviews

    http://amzn.com/w/2MQ4CMS9RE1O7 [amzn.com]

    To be clear, I don't actually want most of these items, please don't buy me any of them.

    Especially the 55 gallon drum of lube.

    • by Talderas (1212466)

      Why would you say "Don't buy me these things." People will buy them for you.

      So the question is.... why do you want a 55 gallon drum of lube?

  • by Saija (1114681) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @06:16PM (#44578877) Journal
    Wolf Urine Lure-32 oz [amazon.com]
    One for the cellar
    One is immediately drawn to this vintage by the colour, which is an elegant, pale straw hue with an appealing peachy fruit on the nose. It has an incredibly effervescent bead -- the whole glass teams with bubbles -- culminating in a frothy layer at the head.

    The palate has panache, with a firm, mineral acidity that cuts through a rather elegantly styled, poised meaty presence. As with most Chateau Deerbuster products, this has the signature leafy-fresh character, which softens into a slight rancid feel towards the end.

    Even though it has a rather short and crisply defined finish, I still believe this has the composition and acidity to age well in the cellar of any self-respecting urine connoisseur.


    Good and bad...
    This product gets three stars and here's why:

    Good: This is soooooooo much easier than trying to get the Wolf Urine directly from a Wolf. Wolves are, from my experience, VERY possessive of their urine. Until the advent of the The Mountain Men's Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee (which acts to calm the wolves) let's just say vicious bites and deep lacerations were the norm when trying to "milk" the wolves of their urine (how else can you get it?). Even with the The Mountain Men's Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee it was never easy. This product had changed all of that!

    Bad: As a lure this thing sucks. I can't even get a hook into it. It's liquid! HELLOOOOOO??? Who makes a lure out of liquid??? Shiny plastic, rubber, or metal, sure, but liquid? No, this is a serious design flaw.

    Fresh Whole Rabbit [amazon.com]
    I know what it's like to be a feral dog
    Like many suburban homeowners, I like to kill and eat the wild animals that populate my backyard. To keep it sporting, I hunt naked, with my teeth and long sharpened fingernails as my only weapons. I've feasted on squirrel, raccoon, vole and numerous songbirds. But no matter how long I lay spread eagle and motionless in the hot noonday sun, I have never been able to outwit and catch any of the plump and juicy rabbits that hop just outside my reach and then bolt for the woods when I leap forward with a blood-curdling shriek. I have chased them at a dead run through the yards of the many unoccupied homes that surround mine but the pursuit always ends in frustration. But no more, thanks to Amazon. Every week, I order a fresh whole rabbit and affix it to a remote control car that is operated by one of my children. This way, I get the thrill of the hunt, and when the car's batteries are exhausted, I can leap upon it, bury my teeth into the rabbit's soft flesh and perform my ritual victory dance right there in the Walgreen's parking lot.
    • ...wolf (and fox) urine is useful stuff. If your attic becomes infested with squirrels or other small mammals, put a few (literally, just 5 or 6) drops in the attic and they'll skedaddle. Now seal up whatever hole they were using to get in and your problem is solved.

  • The RoboMow RL850 Robotic Cordless Electric Lawn Mower. [amazon.com]

    Customer Action Shot Posted by: Hal

  • by CuteSteveJobs (1343851) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @06:32PM (#44578965)
    Check the reviews on this one:

    Playmobil Security Check Point "Thank you Playmobil for allowing me to teach my 5-year old the importance of recognizing what a failing bureaucracy in a ever growing fascist state looks like." http://www.amazon.com/PLAYMOBIL%C2%AE-36138-Playmobil-Security-Check/product-reviews/B0002CYTL2 [amazon.com]

    What is that this has been going on for a long time and Amazon has let it continue without comment. Not so cool management is still on board, but still good to see a megacorporation with a genuine sense of humor as opposed to obvious ad agency promotions.
  • by shri (17709) <shriramc@NospaM.gmail.com> on Thursday August 15, 2013 @06:46PM (#44579053) Homepage

    Disappointed that they did not choose Harry Raddick's reviews. By far the most entertaining reviewer they've ever had. EVER.

    Read them here... [amazon.com]

    • by shri (17709)

      Classics included:

      An admirably thorough guide to the tools of the production-line meat processing trade. The superb colour photographs particularly made it a perfect gift for my 15 year old daughter who is showing alarming signs of not becoming vegetarian.

      Smith and Stybbard have written a gem in this book. It's certainly helped me to take control of my dog's idiosyncratic toilet habits. My pug Grendel now dances to my tune, be it on walks, in the garden or merely impressing friends and family. A word of caution - take care when choosing your "command words" and "smart phrases" to avoid words your dog is likely to hear on the television. It took 4 episodes of Ali McBeal before I realised that my "full evacuation" command was in the theme song.

      • And:

        Claudia Schiffer: Perfectly Fit Arms (VHS Tape)

        Though I didn't follow the workout as stringently as Claudia would have wanted, I did indeed give my arm a vigorous workout using this tape.

  • My favorite was this geeky one for a can of Uranium Ore:
    "I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."

    -

  • They could of linked to this page alone,reviews aware of the attempted rape of their bank accounts
    http://www.amazon.com/Avoid-Huge-Ships-John-Trimmer/product-reviews/0870334336/ref=dp_db_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1 [amazon.com]

    "Capt. Trimmer's book were none too useful in my efforts to avoid huge ships, as I was recently struck by a very large ship indeed, a cruise vessel called the 'Costa Concordia'....Capt. Trimmer's advice would have been immensely beneficial to humans, fish, seabirds, and other animals, but I am none of those things. I'm a big rock."

  • This gem [amazon.ca] was written about Wolfram's "A New Kind of Science":

    Why you are reading this review

    I can only imagine how fortunate you must feel to be reading my review. This review is the product of my lifetime of experience in meeting important people and thinking deep thoughts. This is a new kind of review, and will no doubt influence the way you
    think about the world around you and the way you think of yourself.

    Bigger than infinity

    Although my review deserves thousands of pages to articulate, I am limiting many of my deeper thoughts to only single characters. I encourage readers of my review to dedicate the many years required to fully absorb the significance of what I am writing here. Fortunately, we live in exactly the time when my review can be widely disseminated by "internet" technology and stored on "digital media", allowing current and future scholars to delve more deeply into my original and insightful use of commas, numbers, and letters.

    My place in history

    My review allows, for the first time, a complete and total understanding not only of this but *every single*
    book ever written. I call this "the principle of book equivalence." Future generations will decide the relative merits of this review compared with, for example, the works of Shakespeare. This effort will open new realms of scholarship.

    I am the author of all things

    It is staggering to contemplate that all the great works of literature can be derived from the letters I use in writing this review. I am pleased to have shared them with you, and hereby grant you the liberty to use up to twenty (20) of them consecutively without attribution. Any use of additional characters in print must acknowledge this review as source material since it contains, implicitly or explicitly, all future written documents.

  • by Teckla (630646) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @08:04PM (#44579415)

    O. M. G. This is a geek site and somehow nobody has yet mentioned "The Story about Ping"?

    Here's the product page: http://www.amazon.com/Story-about-Reading-Railroad-Books/dp/0448421658 [amazon.com]

    Go read the first review NOW. You're welcome!

  • This is the best (Score:5, Informative)

    by wbr1 (2538558) on Thursday August 15, 2013 @08:49PM (#44579643)
    On amazon UK.. my mom sent me this. http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK [amazon.co.uk]

    And no its not in their list.

    • by cusco (717999)
      By all the gods above, below, and in-between, the "rastefarian" review (#3 I think) was the funniest thing that I have ever read in my life. I've never seen an Amazon review with 467 comments after it before, so I don't think I'm alone.
  • How can we be sure that this isn't an government plot to catch uranium smugglers and that all of us who read the reviews on uranium ore (then proceeded to find the best price for it) won't have our doors brok.... I SWEAR, I WAS JUST READING THE FUNNY REVIEWS! STOP POURING THE WATER ON MY FACE!
  • My favorite is the 1000+ reviews for Looking For-Best of David Hasselhoff [amazon.com].
  • http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Creme/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376658253&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+for+men [amazon.co.uk]
    I would advise against eating or drinking whilst reading this, at least if you value your keyboard. Also, possibly NSFW.
  • The reviews are brilliant, of course. But if you really want a laugh, look at all of the user submitted images. I'm talking pee-your-pants funny.
  • "I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty." Whoever wrote that step up, I know you're in here.
  • Hudson Hongo's http://leasthelpful.com/ [leasthelpful.com] has some pretty odd reviews. His are allegedly *not* intentionally absurd.

  • My favorite: A Million Random Digits with 100,000 Normal Deviates [amazon.com]

    The book is a promising reference concept, but the execution is somewhat sloppy. Whatever generator they used was not fully tested. The bulk of each page seems random enough. However at the lower left and lower right of alternate pages, the number is found to increment directly.

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