Icicles Kill Record Numbers of Russians

Falling icicles have killed five and injured 150 people in St. Petersburg alone this winter. Governor Valentina Matviyenko has fired 11 officials over the record number of accidents and has offered some rather hi-tech solutions to the problem. She says, "Icicles should be removed with lasers or steam. If St. Petersburg experts throw up their hands and say that icicles should be removed using crowbars, then we will use crowbars."

Ineligible

[The Yuckinator]

Dear citizens of St Petersburg,
The byline on this article is from 5:21PM GMT 24 Mar 2010.
Should you be killed or injured by any icicles this December, you may not claim to be part of the record-setting numbers.
That is all.

In Soviet Russia ...

[skywatcher2501]

... icicles lick you?

all together now

[Coyote]

Frickin' land sharks with lasers man.

tactics

[ILuvRamen]

I live in icicles' natural habitat so I know from experience that jumping and wildly swinging your arms works great. For the higher up ones, turn them against themselves by grabbing a huge lower one and using it to swing at the higher up one. Airsoft guns with biodegradeable BBs work too but they dent siding lol.

Situation normal, not fucked up.

[RockDoctor]

For significant handfuls of people to be killed each winter by falling snow/ ice/ icicles is entirely normal.

Not good, but normal.

More people are killed on the roads.

More people are probably killed by pissed-up spouses using a legally-held hunting weapon.

Big (arms-sweeping motion). Fucking (hips thrusting motion). Deal (card dealing motion).